the boring leading the bored
Friday, November 25, 2005
AWESOME.http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty
music: awesome.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
things i have laughed at today:1. this guy's hand. i was driving home from work, and this guy was in the passenger's seat of the car next to me. and he was talking to the driver and was gesticulating... but just a little. like, the whole time he rested his wrist on the...windowsill...thing...of the car, and would just flip his hand up every once in a while. and if you didnt look at him and just watched his hand flop around it looked really funny. like a disembodied hand struggling for life.
2. the new bread in our house called "XTREME WHITE." i just opened the bread drawer and started laughing out loud.
3. blake. because he is funny!! and because i was really happy, so i was just laughing.
music: im getting into david bowie again. also, i was introduced this evening to Heiroglyphics, an excellent hip-hop group, one member being del. they are so good. sooo good.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
my dad was nay-saying me again tonight. im working on a project im really excited about (im decorating a chair and selling it on ebay) and i was saying i needed more fortune cookies and he's all like "THIS CHAIR IS GONNA COST YOU A FORTUNE HAHAHA" and that's not the first time he's mentioned this being too expensive. no faith. none at all. i mean, he was just trying to make a joke, because he does that, but it just sucks to have someone implying that you are going to fail. like, i am convinced im going to be able to pull in enough from this chair to cover costs, but there's always some doubt in my mind about anything i do. and i dont need that reinforced, you know?my dad also informed me in a rather gauche fashion that my college education isnt necessarily provided for. that was pretty awesome. and i mean, it turned out to be not as bad as he made it sound, but NOW wasnt the time that i wanted to hear that an assumption i had held for my ENTIRE LIFE about the security of my college years was being dismantled. the conversation started with me being like "dang im working a lot. why am i doing this?" with my motivation being to get some reassurance that i am not too poor, which i am always afraid i am. and dad being like "well, we've been thinking about it and we think that we will pay for your first two years of college and then after that (and at this point i was like "GUH WHAT?!?" so i dont remember exactly what he said. something about loans.). and it's like... shit. shit. SHIT! i should be working even HARDER then! i am TOO POOR I AM GOING TO STARVE AND DROP OUT OF SCHOOL OH SHIT WHY DID I BUY THAT THERMAL AT MEIJER THE OTHER DAY.
it wasnt that horrible of news, really. mom and dad explained it just as a financial situation that might involve some loans--no sweat when i am out of college and have a job. it might be sweat then, but definitely none now. mom explains that i dont have to pennypinch... or worry about money at all... right now. dad days "and you'll be glad for all the work you're doing now in college!"
mom understands how i think and how i worry and knows how to speak logically to me to calm me down. this is an interesting and awesome thing about my mom--the woman will not coddle me. has refused to for years, even when i've hoped she would. if i am upset, she just hands me logic. "things arent as bad as they seem. you're just reacting emotionally. things will get better. you have to make yourself cope." and this is generally not what i want when i am upset (although it is probably a really healthy thing, because it helps me be stronger, you know?). however, mom's mode of communication when i am WORRIED is the best thing i could ask for. because she always tries to calm me down and she can always back it up. one of the things that bothers me the most is when people try to calm me down and they bullshit me. people will say anything you to hear, basically. because we all know what everyone wants to hear. but i dont want to hear that! never, EVER lie to me to make me feel better! it's insulting! im mad at mr. hayward, one of my favorite people ever, for doing this for years. he would always compliment my writing... unmitigated bullshit, sir, no disrespect. i cant write! i know i cant write! dont patronize me!
i love my mother because she wont patronize me, but still offers me consolation based in logic.
(blake doesnt patronize me either. it often takes me aback when i say something--when i fish, really. when i try and get him to say what i want him to say. he wont do it! he never does! it is equally frustrating and awesome. it makes me respect him that he wouldnt lie or bullshit or whatever just to make me happy, honestly. and i think it shows respect for me as well. and it's pretty lucky that he doesnt let that stuff get through, because i, often accidentally, become manipulative and that could really mess with our relationship.)
my father doesnt get how to talk to me at all. he tends to just reinforce whatever negative feelings i have. the fact that i see this as being the consistent outcome of our interactions begs an interesting question--am i projecting?
A. probably yes. i tend to take stuff out on my dad. and blame my dad. and write angsty blog posts about my dad. in my defense, though, there has to be a reason that i choose my father as the general vessel for my wrath sometimes. and it is because he actually does just rub me the wrong way sometimes. our personalities and communication styles just dont mess well. his sense of humor tends to just hit me wherever im sensitive, and this causes a lot of problems.
so much blogging is probably indicative of a decline in mental health.
music: rachel's.
rachel's is the only thing i've really enjoyed listening to in a while. i thought things were gonna be awesome post-cleansing because i was missing my music and when i heard non-classical in people's cars and stuff it was so enjoyable. but i've generally just lost interest in everything i listen to, including the classical. but listening to rachel's is feeling pretty good, because it is so close to classical that it reminds me of cleansing week, which was a good week for most of it.
i am guilty of being unenthused.
in just unenthused right now. i cant get excited about music or decoupage or the people in my life.
it seems completely and utterly sinful to not be excited by my life right now. it is pretty damned good and fulllll of possibilities. i am surrounded by good things.
but i just dont care. i'd rather watch degrassi or read a book or something.
i just dont want to drop back to the place i was a week ago when i kinda just stayed in bed and worried all the time. that was not cool at all.
also, my bed is just NOT GOOD ENOUGH after sleeping in shannon's guest bed the other night. it just doesnt compare. it is too big and empty and stark. i need a comforter that ISNT full of invisible, flesh-eating organisms, which my favorite one unfortunately is.
music: i should care. the cleansing was supposed to make me care. now i just dont want to listen to anything at all.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
i am eating my words and they are deliciousi'm doing a cleansing.
i know i said i wouldnt dream of it, but it just kind of happened. it began with me not wanting to listen to music because i didnt feel good. and then it got so quiet in my car, and i tuned to 89.7 fm, the classical station. and it just kinda clicked. i went, "yeah. im gonna listen to this for a while."
so classical cleansing it is.
classical music is really cool. it's good for when you're feeling bad. you can just kind of listen to it and it doesnt really force any meaning onto you. you can just listen to it and feel it and think about what it means to you and what it meant to whoever wrote it and what it could mean to anyone else. it's relaxing because it's contemplative. and im into relaxing right now. i just feel really tied up inside and i just need to wind down. more sleep. more rest. more quiet.
i need some mozart.
music: the only classical recording i have is a cd of stuff by brahms. it's pretty good. but then it's rare that classical music is just bad.
ps. i dont miss my music at all, really. im enjoying getting into something with which i am barely familiar. and because i listen to the radio, i have no control over what i listen to. it's random and fun. the only thing is that i have the smiths stuck in my head a lot, and im not too sure why.
Friday, August 05, 2005
stop it stop it stop itso how about the word "until"? it changes everything.
i will be on vacation until i leave on the twelfth.
thanks, until. now i'm not on completely hypothetical vacation anymore.
or how about this:
nothing went wrong.
nothing went wrong until we heard that beeping noise.
everything would have been fine if it werent for until!
but then there is:
i felt sad
until i heard his voice on the telephone.
basically, "until" just changes everything.
how bout that.
music: the decemberists, "red right ankle"
ps. i just dont feel good.
Monday, August 01, 2005
fresh!a friend of my boyfriend occasionally does this thing he calls a "jazz cleansing." it's a rather clever solution to a problem that many people have (including myself)--you start getting bored of your music. even if you buy/download new music, the old stuff just doesnt do it for you anymore, and it is your music that you used to like. it's a pity. so josh does a jazz cleansing. he listens to nothing but jazz for a couple weeks, and, according to him, coming back to his old music makes it feel all new again. sounds like a good solution, except if you dont have enough jazz or dont feel like listening to jazz. so instead, i've thought of some alternatives to the jazz cleansing, using familiar household products you probably already have.
1. mars volta cleansing- listen to nothing but frances the mute until ANYTHING sounds like a bloody masterpiece in comparison.
2. pitchfork cleansing- dont listen to any music, but read the entire contents of pitchfork every day. listening to intoxicated reviewers jerk off to the newest, hippest scenester band will renew your lust for your good old classics, from the days when reviewers were men. or women. anything but bloggers with a six-pack of pabst blue ribbon and an equal liquid measure of pretentiousness. (oh, hypocrisy!)
3. post-rock cleansing- hell, this one might actually work. bust out your godspeed, mogwai and explosions in the sky and rekindle your yearning to hear vocals. (ps. dear everyone, please stop hating on post-rock! it's a beautiful experimental art form which allows for a listener to both experience and apply emotion. be a little open-minded.)
4. "the sirens" cleansing- listen to nothing but the song "the sirens" by rachel's. music that DOESNT give you an f'ing heart attack is going to sound real appealing.
5. ethnic cleansing- ethnic cleansing isn't funny.
6. ska cleansing- NOT WORTH IT.
7. wnci cleansing- (or mainstream-pop-radio-station-of-your-choice cleansing) This one also borders on "not worth it," but you will find yourself KISSING your iPod because it doesn't play the same car commercial over and over. or the same kelly clarkson song over and over. you'll be glad to be back, even if to just list to q and not u's "wonderful people" over and over. (note: this could be dangerous, as pop music is known to contain highly addictive chemicals that cause you to get those damn songs stuck in your head until it actually gets hard to wait an hour and a half to hear "hollaback girl" again.)
8. beethoven cleansing- actually has potential of working for the same reason the jazz cleansing works. i personally prefer mozart.
9. "abstinence" cleansing- don't listen to music. shop, though. go to used stores and try and find stuff you're going to want to listen to in future--vinyl is especially/fun/cheap/those are synonomous anyway. when you feel the time is right/on your wedding night, bust out all your new fun stuff. and when you exhaust it, return to your old collection. think of your new collection as your kids from your new marriage and your old collection as your illigitimate children. then get your bloody tubes tied--that's a lot of mouths to feed already. this metaphor has gone way too far.
10. folk cleansing- this must include new and old folk. listen to folk all the time. you will return to electric guitars/synthesizers as symbols of electricity after your foray into the backwoods of music, where there is no indoor plumbing.
thx.
music: why would i want to do a cleansing if i dont even enjoy bathing? honestly!
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
here.scene: cereal aisle at kroger, ten pm. girl walking mechanically up and down the aisle, people looking on.
onlooker 1: dude, what's that girl's deal?
onlooker b: i don't know, man. she just keeps pacing and mumbling something about wanting to have breakfast with the king.
fin.
all i really want is some king vitaman, dude.
music: ...and you will know us by the trail of dead
ps. this was so much less lame in my head.
pps. nah, probably not. i am hugely lame.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
ah-one, ah-two, ah-one-two-three-four!one. bubblegum? YES.
two. "dance hall" by modest mouse has a lyrical reference to ugly casanova's "ice on the sheets" ("committing crimes and we're running down the alley/i am the captain, you're in the galley")
three. "these burgers are crazy" by the moldy peaches is easily the STUPIDEST song ever, and is frequently stuck in my head.
four. tonight has been kind of a weird night. ive been antsy and ive come to a couple realizations.
i have a little brother. in truth, he was probably one of my closest friends growing up, but we still fought all the time. we STILL fight sometimes. but when we were little we had a certain dynamic to our relationship. i was bossy and overcritical (i still do this, too), and his only combattant tool (i dont think combattant was the right word there, or even a word at all for that matter) was to BUG me. he would tease and torment... anything he knew that would especially irritate me for whatever reason was soon the only thing out of his mouth. sometimes it was personal, most of the time it wasnt. like he used to make this like... clacking sound with his mouth... guh. it STILL makes me shudder. but i dont hold any of this against him... truly, it was all in self-defense. but i used to get soooooo mad. and instead of hitting him, which got me in trouble, i would do one of two things. i would either hurt him, or let it go. both of these tactics have stayed with me. in the first, i would say something really, really mean. something personal. something taboo. something truly, truly hurtful. i swear i can just FEEL the spikes on those words when i let them slip. i can tell that i have just brought something completely vile into existence... something that will hurt someone... usually someone i care about. and most of the time, i dont like to do that, so i "ignore." i think the problem is, though, that when your little brother is calling you "grandma" for some inexplicable reason (was it the glasses? the short, curly hair? or perhaps just because he saw you were bothered by it...), the best option is to just ignore him. you aren't a grandma. you're seven years old. he can just go suck an egg. but it's different when you're older and somebody does or says something to hurt you. because in this case you ARE a grandma.... er... at least... you are hurt. the problem is real. so if you ignore it... it doesnt stop hurting. but it's supposed to. so you ignore. you try. you try. you get bitter. you eventually let it slip... you say something terrible... but in general you just keep it bottled up. cheers, passive-aggressiveness. cheers. and, of course, i dont know who to blame. is it my parents, for telling me to "ignore" jeff's taunting? probably not. it was the best thing at the time. i suppose it's probably me. but is it that i never learned to adjust my conflict-resolution techniques to adulthood? or was i just born this way?
once again, damn you, nature v. nurture. damn you.
ah-two-three-four.
i was alone tonight. i wasnt feeling super-well, so i didnt go to work, so i couldnt go out, so i stayed home. by myself. i mean, my family was here. i actually played a board game with my dad for a while (i beat him all three times, kthx) out of sheer madness. i was alone! and i just craved PEOPLE. i didnt want to work on my projects, i didnt want to clean up the horrible mess ive been making all over the house, and i didnt want to do my laundry. i wanted people. the most notable of the things i DIDNT want to do is my projects. there was once a time that i would unquestionably devote every part of my being to the work i was doing, especially if it involved creation. art. and ive been working on a photo project all day. i LOVE photography. i mean, ive been frustrated with it recently/most of the time, but it's something i can be successful at if i work really hard (i mean... not according to the art show judges but that isnt what we're talking about right now). but i cant just love my work anymore, i think. (this is almost a shame.) but the thing is... ive been... opened, i guess. it occurs to me more and more that im not completely self-possessed anymore.
the time in my life when i was most self-possessed, i took a lot of walks. that's what i most remember about it. walking around, listening to music and looking around and thinking. and i think of it fondly, because it was really a beautiful time for me. beautiful, but not happy, i dont think. they were melancholic walks, because i was so very alone. sometimes i didnt walk alone, true, but i walked with someone who i wasnt letting get close. i hurt him... we never had a chance because i was almost just messing with him... he was there so i had someone to talk to, and so that i wasnt alone, and i truly valued that... fortunately our relationship eventually grew to mean more, but not in the same context. i was a shut-up young sixteen-year-old (seventeen?), miss "no-mushrooms-please" and dont you touch that heart. (i had been hurt.) but i lived for myself and my work. i was sad and i was self-sufficient. no more. i eventually stopped hurting. i stopped hating, i stopped abusing. i opened up. and here i am. it's beautiful, and i am so glad i found somebody who could hold me without hurting me, but it's scary to need. there's a vulnerability, even when you feel like you can trust someone. and it changes you. priorities shift, personality twists, and sometimes you face outright exposure. im generally the type that doesnt want you to see me like this. like this, like that, like anything. im a perfectionist. i want to always keep it together. i want to keep it safe. i want to keep it covered! in fact, it's at this point in the writing that i consider not posting, deleting. because truly, this is bullshit that nobody cares about. and if they do, if they read it, i give them understanding. and at the same time as i crave human understanding, i fear the sort of probing analysis that has picked me apart before. sigh... i just want to be alone. no... i just want to be able to be alone. i think. but then... i'd miss you.
music: ugly casanova
Monday, May 23, 2005
LP UPDATEcheers:
-"the doors" by the doors is a good album.
-"waiting for the sun" by the doors is also a good album.
-"neil young" by neil young is a good album too.
c'mon:
-inside the sleeve of "a wild and crazy guy" by steve martin was a SLY AND THE FAMILY STONE album. angry.
-what i thought was a the mamas and the papas album is actually an album of "instrumental interpretations" of their songs. =a waste of life.
i have also listened to "disraeli gears" by cream and some genesis (i dont remember which album) but i didnt pay any attention, so i am unfit to judge at this point.
...yep.
. Adam .
. Alex .
. Amy .
. Andrea .
. Arvind .
. Cynthia .
. Daria .
. Kevin .
. Maggie .
. Michelle .
. Mike .
. Miyoung .
. Mukul .
. Sam .
. Sanjana .
. Shannon .
. Xin .
I look at:
. Cat and Girl .
. Scary Go Round .
. Toothpaste for Dinner .
. Natalie Dee .
. Questionable Content .
. Diesel Sweeties .
. Sinfest .
. Exploding Dog .
. Homestar Runner .
. My other blog, Mimu's Message.com .
. My livejournal (im such a hipster slut, i know) .
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