the boring leading the bored
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
time...its trick is you and me
so tired. i should be sleeping, but i need to write. ive been needing to write for days... i wanted to write on my birthday. i wrote on my birthday last year, i wanted to do it again. but i was just too tired. now i am probably more tired, but i cant just keep going around thinking like im writing. i arrange my thoughts into paragraphs and plan writings that i just cant write. im too busy and too tired.
im seventeen now. i guess that was yesterday that that happened. it wasn't a very good day. of course, it did have good parts. but generally, the brokenspiritedness that has been upon me recently made it sad. maybe i am being selfish and ungrateful for people trying to make my day special, but its hard to realize that birthdays dont mean super much... or at the very least, arent magic. however, i do think it is unfair that i have cried on two out of my past three birthdays. thats unfair. this time it was just the tiredness plus perhaps hormone troubles plus my dad being sorta mean to me/stressing me out plus feeling like my birthday was unspecial. you know, it was only unspecial because it was such a long day filled with work. i didnt have any "me time." so i guess im taking it now.
i kind of feel like crying again.
im so tired. why am i so tired? i mean, the obvious answer is not enough sleep and too much work, but why can't my body take it!? im sure the majority of the population is working a lot harder than i am, and they arent having breakdowns or dropping dead. me, however... i teeter on the edge of insanity. it isnt fair... i am so feeble. i should be able to handle this. why cant i? i hate feeling weak. i hate not having control.
i just dont understand. anything. i dont understand how long it has been since my sixteenth birthday. all i know is that im still listening to the cds i got for that birthday, but nearly everything else has changed. i dont understand. i was in love on my sixteenth birthday. okay, that's a lie... i wasnt in love. but i was damn close. now i am just looking for someone to maybe kiss around with or something. and of course having no luck. ive felt nasty about that sort of thing lately. rob said it best... spring causes loneliness. i think perhaps i am looking out of my league. i think perhaps i am growing less attractive as i age, which is horribly unjust for i am only seventeen. (seventeen feels old and young at the same time.) that diet thing is long dead... it wasnt working and the lack of sugar plus lack of results was making me depressed. shrug.
the big good news is that IM TOTALLY GOING TO THE BOWIE CONCERT!!! my aunt is the gr-eatest.... got me tickets on ebay for my birthday. somehow i cant get excited about it though... at least not as excited as i should be. im probably just too tired. it just cant sink in. my brain cant take it.
need to go shower. shame i am too tired to wake up early enough to use my straightener.
gosh.
music: time, david bowie
why do i feel so sad?
must be the post-birthdaydepression depression.
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