the boring leading the bored
Thursday, September 16, 2004
fox in the snow, where do you go?
life's getting me down.
i take that back. life isn't bad. it's mostly just school.
school's getting me down.
really. this is the emotion i have been expecting for a long time; it was the one that made me sick to my stomach when i anticipated it in the last days of summer.
am i exaggerating? being melodramatic? probably. but consider this your warning: im not done. so quit reading if you like, but as i'm not even polluting your friends list with my nonsense, it is my prerogative to whine like the little angst basket that i am.
anyway.
today was just a draining day. not physically draining, or even mentally, or emotionally... it was more spirit-draining. dragging myself around my my collar just because i have to is disheartening. i dont LIKE school. and it's not like it's just the greater of evils... i LOVE being at home. and i do things i love, things that have WORTH to me when i'm at home! i sew and screenprint and read and occasionally play some bass... im not a bored kid who needs something to do. school is preventing me from doing those things.
i thought i had a solution yesterday. i decided i would just ignore school as much as possible. i'd go, then forget about it. i forgot, however, to take into account homework. they send these things home with me. school invades my life. the easy way out would be to quit doing the homework and quit caring. the problem: school has to matter to me, because it influences the rest of my life as i have it (roughly) planned. i desperately want to go to UC. so i cant mess it up now. i've worked hard for a very long time to get myself into a comfortable place like this and i just can't lose it.
i am tired of the people, too. i mean, i have finally developed a loyalty to a group of friends, but as for the rest of them they are just in my way. all these anonymous freshmen... nobody even stands out to me out of them. and SOMEBODY always stands out to me out of any group of people. they are all just... clones of everyone else in the school. i cant even tell who they are apart from the other underclassmen, generally. one ran into me at lunch today. she apologized and looked kinda scared. i guess that means i'm officially a big girl now. i am senior, here me sigh with jaded discontentment!
and why isnt this year easy? damn! interims come out soon and im fairly sure mine will be shaky. i have an ESSAY next week; i am panicking already. essays scare the hell out of me.
i kept thinking "i feel dead inside" today. but that isn't true. just beaten down inside. way to break my spirit, educational system!
i just want to make things. that's all.
music: belle and sebastian, "you made me forget my dreams"
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