the boring leading the bored
Sunday, December 26, 2004
a letter in your writing
ive been experiencing these small revolutions of the mind. i keep getting these little explosions of creativity and energy. i am hounded by thoughts... THOUGHTS. this is unusual. most times i am just about as vacant as that stare that's frequently on my face. i am a possessor of a simple mind: consider me shrived. but i just keep having ideas.
i've been snowed in. so i keep thinking of ways to keep busy. i probably thought of the idea for your christmas gift this way. but these creative impulses, followed by a steady compulsion to carry them out (i am out of town, no knife, no ink, no spraypaint), are just an example of the THINGS that are happening in my brain. ive been getting ideas.
i think the first idea was about bags. i decided that, from now on when i shopped, i didnt want to let them give me my stuff in a plastic bag anymore. both blake and my family referred to this notion as "liberal." I told blake it wasn't liberal, it was just "another good thing." "like smoking?" he asked. inside joke. "no," i replied. we walked out of starbucks.
that wasn't the first idea. the first was about buying foreign-made products. and shopping at wal-mart. i decided i wanted to try to buy american. not only to not support sweat shops, but also to support american companies in order to preserve american jobs. im attempting in particular to avoid products that would be hand-made.
oh, and hybrid cars.
there are reasons for most of these things. i wont bore you. ("too late" "haha" ::raise a toast to self-deprecation::)
i am off-track.
what i was getting at is this overall compulsion to do something. something. not just anything, but not anything in particular. i want to make the world better or prettier. i want to create. i want to love. i dont want to waste time. (i quit tv.) i want to make a difference. i suppose it's rather bohemian. and the fact that i can find a term to qualify it is my problem. or curse. choose based on your pessimism. see, you probably aren't even reading this. i dont blame you, i wouldnt read it. if you write, i probably dont read it half the time. i am off-track.
here's the thing: this is stupid. or so you think, so i think, so the world thinks. wanting to make a difference is cute, but unprofitable. you can't get a degree in "mental bursts of creativity and philathropy". it's unrealistic. it's idealistic. and idealism is it's own condemnor. as a cynic myself, i will undoubtedly look on this, probably tomorrow, and dismiss my idiocy. but when in the moment, things improbable are far from impossible. but can the moment last? is it REALLY a waste of time to pursue... anything? yes.
i get shy. i dont like talking. things i say are stupid.
ask blake, he'll tell you. i talk to him on occasion, then realize how ridiculous i sound and stop. he insists i dont stop, which is nice. he's a part of this, really. perhaps a sizable part. i find myself in a very nurturing frame of life. my family is letting me destablize their house with my projects. my teachers are helping me along with my art. and blake is someone to talk to. someone to listen to me about my ideas for art and for life. someone to go places with, someone to learn things from, someone to be close to. thinking about him makes me want to create.
i dont like to gush. i don't like talking.
i lost seven pounds recently. today was christmas, and i probably gained a few of those back, but regardless. seven pounds. and a couple inches of waistline.
i don't like writing. i feel like i'm wasting space.
but is there such thing as a waste?
music: the pixies.
ps. happy boxing day.
Friday, December 24, 2004
artificially intelligent
is it so wrong to want to be a child prodigy?
is it so wrong to want to be good, great, famous?
is it so wrong to want to quit everything to take time to pursue my art?
is it so wrong to want so few things so vehemently?
recently, i find myself seized.
music: sage francis- "personal journals"
Sunday, December 12, 2004
the fact that "sleigh" and "slay" are homonyms is still funny.
you can't spell "christmas" without "christ", sure.
but you can't spell "chanukah" without getting really frustrated and just giving up.
crappy holidays.
ps.
i can't stop thinking about spraypainting.
music: heart of glass
[once i had love, and it was a gas
soon turned out to be a pain in the ass]
Friday, December 10, 2004
cute boy award
blake made this for me.
yes, we get on quite nicely.
music: belle and sebastian
Monday, December 06, 2004
sick day
so i stayed home from school today. this is somewhat unsurprising... it was a very rough weekend and i got little sleep last night. i woke up this morning at five til seven, realizing i had set my alarm for the p.m. on accident, and i hadnt finished my physics project. cheers. but i pulled myself together, realized i could finish my project at lunch, and headed out the door. on the way to school, i started feeling really sick. honestly. so i came back home. and i slept.
im so angry at myself. i wish i wasnt sick. i have been trying so hard to keep everything together recently, and it was hard but i was doing it! until today, anyway. i just get MAD when my body can't take it. i dont like feeling weak.
when it's good it's really good and when it's bad i go to pieces.
ps. "flog" is "golf" backwards.
music: the cure
. Adam .
. Alex .
. Amy .
. Andrea .
. Arvind .
. Cynthia .
. Daria .
. Kevin .
. Maggie .
. Michelle .
. Mike .
. Miyoung .
. Mukul .
. Sam .
. Sanjana .
. Shannon .
. Xin .
I look at:
. Cat and Girl .
. Scary Go Round .
. Toothpaste for Dinner .
. Natalie Dee .
. Questionable Content .
. Diesel Sweeties .
. Sinfest .
. Exploding Dog .
. Homestar Runner .
. My other blog, Mimu's Message.com .
. My livejournal (im such a hipster slut, i know) .
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