the boring leading the bored
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
oh well, what the hell
at least i didnt cry.
so i didnt get my part (or any, as it is an eight-person cast). im really rather sad about it. and a little bitter, too. i dont even remember the last time i felt this disappointed. i mean, yeah its JUST a part in a play, but i mean... i dont get let down like that very often, for whatever reason.
today kind of sucked a little bit.
music: aesop rock
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
j'suis artiste
i bought a sketchbook today and it is blankety-blank-blank-blank. i wanna fill it but i dont have time right now. for honest!--i am supposed to be doing a report on duane michals. i don't want to do it. i love duane michals, and his work. but i dont want to doooo it. i just want to go to bed. and i don't want to get up, either.
i sort of want to get up. i want to see if i got a part in the play i tried out for today. my audition went really well... i nailed my monologue to the wall and they asked me to do a cold reading. i swept the floor with it. that made me deleriously happy for a couple of hours. that was fun. i was feeling incredibly optimistic.
somewhere a happiness vacuum entered the room. shrug.
now i just hope i wont cry if i dont get the part. i hate crying. especially in public. no crying in public. i sure want that part, though. for real.
miss parker gave me dresses. and coats. cause she loooooooves me. which made me happy... i wore one of the dresses today. mrs. schuld told me that if the people who review fashion in Soap Opera Digest saw me they would not appreciate the combination of my crappy pink bag with my pretty dress. i was less taken aback by the fashion criticism than by the fact that mrs. schuld reads soap opera digest. i mean, yeah, she WOULD miss the shows cause she is at school teaching... but wait. SOAPS!?! Mrs. Schuld, DONT WATCH SOAPS. people will think you are an old lady. and you aren't.
i went out in my dress (without a shirt over it, like i had at school). i felt pretty. that's a nice feeling.
the people i love make me kind of sad sometimes.
oh, delerium.
music: bowie
Monday, September 27, 2004
things i want today (in approximate order of importance/presence in mind)
this part in the play. to get into UC. to (continue to) get along with el bf. to get my monologue memorized. about twelve cds. black silkscreen ink. a camping trip with my friends. to lose about ten pounds. more time for sewing. two medium black tee shirts and one large black tee shirt. to sleep all day like i did in myrtle beach. to go to toronto.
i need to be more assertive.
music: dinosaur jr.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
sometimes i get nowhere
some horrible combination of germs, hormones, chemicals, environment and spiritual forces are making my brain go completely ballistic. im having a lot of difficulty functioning, or thinking in a straight line.
::cry::
plllleeeeease stop, brain.
music: "be my wife"--bowie
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
uuuuugh
i am in the midst of the worst night of sleep i have ever suffered. i am in a good deal of pain. my jaw aches inexplicably, and my ears feel as if they are being stabbed by large, rather blunt needles. my head pounds. laying my head on a pillow only intensifies these feelings. i have awoken three or four times so far, since midnight, meaning i have not had more than about an hour and a half of sleep at a time. those periods of sleep have been HORRIBLE. i keep having these delirious dreams where i am trying to do math or reconfigure images or something... they make NO sense and i awake because i am attempting to wrench myself from their madness. i am very, very cold. i am even now on the verge of tears but cannot move myself to cry. and i am completely alone. i just got on here to express myself i guess, or to occupy myself... i dont want to sleep again. but i dont want to be awake.
uuugh. needless to say i wont be at school today.
Monday, September 20, 2004
jumping into hyperspace isn't the same as dusting crops, farmboy
im sick. i stayed home today. i might do it again tomorrow, too. just for laughs.
so i spent my day watching tv. i hate tv. a lot. fortunately, i found some movies to watch.
1. Great Expectations- yes, THE great expecations, the one we read in hayward's class. but it's modernized, and stars ethan hawke and gwyneth paltrow, and instead of spending bazillions of years sitting around in miss havisham's house, they do that a little bit and then just run around looking completely beautiful and then have some sex. it's an interesting take on the story. really, i'd suggest watching it if you've read the Dickens. it's a lot more entertaining. and... everything in the movie is green. it tries really hard to be artistic like that.
2. STAR WARS- so i watched this thing on VH1 about star wars and decided to watch the movies themselves. i watched the first two (A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back). what incredible movies. i haven't seen them in years, and i'd forgotten how much i loved them! i hadn't, however, forgotten all the lines i used to know. i forgot some, yeah, but i was genuinely shocked to find myself talking along with the movie. gosh. they are so GOOD! they are just really great, entertaining filmmaking.
fun fact: ok, Kessel Run, that occasionally plays the basement shows? the "kessel run" is obviously the standard for fastness in the star wars galaxy. Han Solo brags that the Millenium Falcon can make it in only twelve seconds. now i think Kessel Run is cooler than ever.
tomorrow, if i am sick again, i plan to watch Return of the Jedi. Ewoks. That is all.
Oh--and how about that lj THING that went insane last night?!? that was the craziest. it was kind of funny because we were all talking practically in real time, but we werent iming, just ljing. despite that i actually loved it. i really enjoyed it because it generally let out all the love our little sarcastic hipster asses are hiding. never will this happen again, i am confident. which is a shame. because it was a major self-esteem boost.
in other news, i am gross and smell bad.
music: none
Thursday, September 16, 2004
fox in the snow, where do you go?
life's getting me down.
i take that back. life isn't bad. it's mostly just school.
school's getting me down.
really. this is the emotion i have been expecting for a long time; it was the one that made me sick to my stomach when i anticipated it in the last days of summer.
am i exaggerating? being melodramatic? probably. but consider this your warning: im not done. so quit reading if you like, but as i'm not even polluting your friends list with my nonsense, it is my prerogative to whine like the little angst basket that i am.
anyway.
today was just a draining day. not physically draining, or even mentally, or emotionally... it was more spirit-draining. dragging myself around my my collar just because i have to is disheartening. i dont LIKE school. and it's not like it's just the greater of evils... i LOVE being at home. and i do things i love, things that have WORTH to me when i'm at home! i sew and screenprint and read and occasionally play some bass... im not a bored kid who needs something to do. school is preventing me from doing those things.
i thought i had a solution yesterday. i decided i would just ignore school as much as possible. i'd go, then forget about it. i forgot, however, to take into account homework. they send these things home with me. school invades my life. the easy way out would be to quit doing the homework and quit caring. the problem: school has to matter to me, because it influences the rest of my life as i have it (roughly) planned. i desperately want to go to UC. so i cant mess it up now. i've worked hard for a very long time to get myself into a comfortable place like this and i just can't lose it.
i am tired of the people, too. i mean, i have finally developed a loyalty to a group of friends, but as for the rest of them they are just in my way. all these anonymous freshmen... nobody even stands out to me out of them. and SOMEBODY always stands out to me out of any group of people. they are all just... clones of everyone else in the school. i cant even tell who they are apart from the other underclassmen, generally. one ran into me at lunch today. she apologized and looked kinda scared. i guess that means i'm officially a big girl now. i am senior, here me sigh with jaded discontentment!
and why isnt this year easy? damn! interims come out soon and im fairly sure mine will be shaky. i have an ESSAY next week; i am panicking already. essays scare the hell out of me.
i kept thinking "i feel dead inside" today. but that isn't true. just beaten down inside. way to break my spirit, educational system!
i just want to make things. that's all.
music: belle and sebastian, "you made me forget my dreams"
Thursday, September 02, 2004
AAAAAAAAHHHH
MY FOOT IS IN A BUCKET OF ICE WATER! I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE THE DISCOMFORT I AM IN! IF YOU'VE DONE THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I AM FLAILING AROUND LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN BECAUSE IT HURTS SO MUCH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD I CANT WAIT TIL IT GOES NUMB AND MY SUFFERING WILL BE SLIGHTLY ALLEVIATED!
THAT IS ALL!
MUSIC: TOMMY
PS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH
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