the boring leading the bored
Thursday, April 21, 2005
crying in the wildernessi cannot find my voice.
i cannot find my peace.
i cannot find my rest.
i cannot find my thoughts.
i cannot find my confidence.
i cannot find my security.
i cannot find my answers.
"because the spark is not within me."-from the arcade fire's "crown of love."
crown of love is not my favorite song on that album. but that line obsesses me. it expresses so purely the tragic feeling of hopelessness, powerlessnes... nothingness, really. i am someone who lives to create, and most of the time i can do so, and it keeps me functioning. my mind feeds my hands, and the work settles my mind. and i hear that line and just shudder--i get cold inside thinking about it--"what if the spark was not within me? what would i do? im so glad i dont have that problem, at least not right now... i cant even imagine!"
it feels like this. the spark is not within me. things, mundane things, things i deal with every day, have taken forefront in my mind and consumed my thoughts with worry. i begin to second guess myself and ask questions, questions that are destructive but, as a paranoid person, i must consider as also being helpful. the answers that i have known as truth have accordingly been questioned. i cant ask anyone for help because i dont trust anyone. people will lie to you. i hate that.
the spark is not within me.
im busy doing... something, i dont know. but ive been putting off an art project because im just not sure what to do for it. the spark... and i am afraid of making my prom dress because im freaked out about messing it up. this is what it's like. fear. anxiety. paranoia. insecurity--what i didnt say on the phone from the department store is that ive felt terrible about my body lately. confusion... it's overwhelming. and i dread going to bed because, although i need the sleep really badly, the waking moments between me and the darkness will be filled by the panicked scream of my mind...
the spark is not within me.
music: the arcade fire
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