the boring leading the bored
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
my dad was nay-saying me again tonight. im working on a project im really excited about (im decorating a chair and selling it on ebay) and i was saying i needed more fortune cookies and he's all like "THIS CHAIR IS GONNA COST YOU A FORTUNE HAHAHA" and that's not the first time he's mentioned this being too expensive. no faith. none at all. i mean, he was just trying to make a joke, because he does that, but it just sucks to have someone implying that you are going to fail. like, i am convinced im going to be able to pull in enough from this chair to cover costs, but there's always some doubt in my mind about anything i do. and i dont need that reinforced, you know?my dad also informed me in a rather gauche fashion that my college education isnt necessarily provided for. that was pretty awesome. and i mean, it turned out to be not as bad as he made it sound, but NOW wasnt the time that i wanted to hear that an assumption i had held for my ENTIRE LIFE about the security of my college years was being dismantled. the conversation started with me being like "dang im working a lot. why am i doing this?" with my motivation being to get some reassurance that i am not too poor, which i am always afraid i am. and dad being like "well, we've been thinking about it and we think that we will pay for your first two years of college and then after that (and at this point i was like "GUH WHAT?!?" so i dont remember exactly what he said. something about loans.). and it's like... shit. shit. SHIT! i should be working even HARDER then! i am TOO POOR I AM GOING TO STARVE AND DROP OUT OF SCHOOL OH SHIT WHY DID I BUY THAT THERMAL AT MEIJER THE OTHER DAY.
it wasnt that horrible of news, really. mom and dad explained it just as a financial situation that might involve some loans--no sweat when i am out of college and have a job. it might be sweat then, but definitely none now. mom explains that i dont have to pennypinch... or worry about money at all... right now. dad days "and you'll be glad for all the work you're doing now in college!"
mom understands how i think and how i worry and knows how to speak logically to me to calm me down. this is an interesting and awesome thing about my mom--the woman will not coddle me. has refused to for years, even when i've hoped she would. if i am upset, she just hands me logic. "things arent as bad as they seem. you're just reacting emotionally. things will get better. you have to make yourself cope." and this is generally not what i want when i am upset (although it is probably a really healthy thing, because it helps me be stronger, you know?). however, mom's mode of communication when i am WORRIED is the best thing i could ask for. because she always tries to calm me down and she can always back it up. one of the things that bothers me the most is when people try to calm me down and they bullshit me. people will say anything you to hear, basically. because we all know what everyone wants to hear. but i dont want to hear that! never, EVER lie to me to make me feel better! it's insulting! im mad at mr. hayward, one of my favorite people ever, for doing this for years. he would always compliment my writing... unmitigated bullshit, sir, no disrespect. i cant write! i know i cant write! dont patronize me!
i love my mother because she wont patronize me, but still offers me consolation based in logic.
(blake doesnt patronize me either. it often takes me aback when i say something--when i fish, really. when i try and get him to say what i want him to say. he wont do it! he never does! it is equally frustrating and awesome. it makes me respect him that he wouldnt lie or bullshit or whatever just to make me happy, honestly. and i think it shows respect for me as well. and it's pretty lucky that he doesnt let that stuff get through, because i, often accidentally, become manipulative and that could really mess with our relationship.)
my father doesnt get how to talk to me at all. he tends to just reinforce whatever negative feelings i have. the fact that i see this as being the consistent outcome of our interactions begs an interesting question--am i projecting?
A. probably yes. i tend to take stuff out on my dad. and blame my dad. and write angsty blog posts about my dad. in my defense, though, there has to be a reason that i choose my father as the general vessel for my wrath sometimes. and it is because he actually does just rub me the wrong way sometimes. our personalities and communication styles just dont mess well. his sense of humor tends to just hit me wherever im sensitive, and this causes a lot of problems.
so much blogging is probably indicative of a decline in mental health.
music: rachel's.
rachel's is the only thing i've really enjoyed listening to in a while. i thought things were gonna be awesome post-cleansing because i was missing my music and when i heard non-classical in people's cars and stuff it was so enjoyable. but i've generally just lost interest in everything i listen to, including the classical. but listening to rachel's is feeling pretty good, because it is so close to classical that it reminds me of cleansing week, which was a good week for most of it.
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