the boring leading the bored
Thursday, February 24, 2005
listen to the child.
credit: john allison of scary go round
i should stop complaining so much. i lead a bloody charmed life, and i wouldn't have enough time to write my english paper tonight if i counted all my blessings.
is this a resolution? no. too weak. just a reminder.
music: daylight EP
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
untitled"i just need to be heard."
whenever i start to write something on here, i almost always am tempted to make that my title. i really only write when i need to be heard. and i wonder... why do i need to be heard?
if i really want to be heard, why am i afraid to speak truthfully and clearly?
self-protection, i guess. you never want to incriminate yourself, and it's polite not to incriminate those around you. and everyone is watching. and everyone is talking. am i paranoid? yes. but i'm also right. it's for this reason that i think the "friends-only" function of livejournal is stupid. who are you hiding from, making your posts friends-only? only those who aren't reading your livejournal anyway. the ones you need to be careful about are the ones who are your friends. your friends-only, only friends. because they are watching, and they are talking.
this wasnt supposed to start out so cynical. i dont feel that cynical. i've accepted the fact that this is what goes on. people are just curious. sometimes it's even because they care. you just have to be careful, i guess. figure out who you can trust--strangely, ive found those people are not the ones i would think they would be.
so i worry. i worry about everything. but i worry about writing. every word i put onto my monitor is full of doubt and worry--this is terrible. people are reading this, what are they thinking? are they judging me? are they realizing what bullshit this is? is it bullshit? of course. everything i write is trite bullshit. i have no choice. i'm a postmodernist. a pessimist. and a really terrible writer.
i'm not a pessimist, really. i think. i vascillate. i think.
who was it, that said "know thyself"?
i dont care, honestly. im not even that desperate about knowing myself. i used to know a guy who was bloody insistent that it was important to understand one's identity. he was wrong. he overanalyzed it, as he did most things. he was miserable. i bet he still is.
i guess maybe i think about my self a lot. maybe i even think about myself a lot. probably. but i dont worry about it. i just wonder. i consider. i plan, maybe just a little. and i remember.
i'm freezing up. i am afraid. and i really dont think anyone cares. dont bother to refute, it doesnt bother me. im paranoid enough to not believe you anyway.
i'm not as upset as i sound. i love life. really.
music: disintegration
it's just...
it never ends.
and everyone is so sick.
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
enough.
Dj Atari I: stop having bad days.
Dj Atari I: that's what you should give up for lent.
Dj Atari I: bad evenings.
he's right.
thank you, marc, for wishing me well and always being patient.
too many bad evenings these days, this among them. my feet are numb, which means i cant feel them hurting from work tonight. they are too cold.
i work too much. and you will say, 'hey, more money.'
I HATE MONEY.
it just makes me worry. next week i'm going to go out and blow it all on fancy underwear. no, really. sunny and i are going to go shopping. like girls. because we just can't take it anymore.
thank you, sunny, for listening to me.
school is terrible. i don't want to talk about it.
thank you, mukul, for always asking and never telling. i know it's because you're looking out for me.
i wish i weren't so paranoid. it makes it hard. it's hard enough, really. i just worry, and it just escalates til i can't stand it. and what's worse is i can't dismiss my delusions, because i go, wait, what if i'm right? what a cycle.
thank you, john, for confiding in me.
and there is something important:
one should never think she acts independently. people around her are affected by her actions.
this is something i never considered seriously before tonight. before i found myself affected. i should be more careful about this myself.
beware! and
beware! and
beware!
be aware.
music: morrissey- he knows i'd love to see him.
(morrissey is the voice of my teen angst. no, really. you can all keep your conor oberst.)
Friday, February 04, 2005
MY FATHER IS INSANE
HE IS MAKING ME DO A STUPID, INSANE FAVOR FOR HIM.
*AHEM*
IF YOU OR YOUR PARENTS HAVE THE EPISODE OF "24" FROM MONDAY, JANUARY 31ST TAPED, HE WOULD LIKE IT AND WOULD PAY YOU TWENTY DOLLARS FOR IT.
BECAUSE HE IS BLOODY INSANE.
GUH.
MUSIC: WHO CARES.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
consider yourself warned
i just need to be heard, 's all.
its late (late enough) and im tired but i cant sleep and im cold and lonely and sick and i hurt and i just need a hug. i feel super alone. super, super alone. it's like, scary. i just feel like a scared little girl.
sniff.
music: jeff buckley
. Adam .
. Alex .
. Amy .
. Andrea .
. Arvind .
. Cynthia .
. Daria .
. Kevin .
. Maggie .
. Michelle .
. Mike .
. Miyoung .
. Mukul .
. Sam .
. Sanjana .
. Shannon .
. Xin .
I look at:
. Cat and Girl .
. Scary Go Round .
. Toothpaste for Dinner .
. Natalie Dee .
. Questionable Content .
. Diesel Sweeties .
. Sinfest .
. Exploding Dog .
. Homestar Runner .
. My other blog, Mimu's Message.com .
. My livejournal (im such a hipster slut, i know) .
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