the boring leading the bored
Thursday, April 28, 2005
the pain in spainI AM TIRED OF BEING STABBED BY PINS.
it hurts...
music: the microphones
"the pain in spain falls mainly on...me"
Thursday, April 21, 2005
crying in the wildernessi cannot find my voice.
i cannot find my peace.
i cannot find my rest.
i cannot find my thoughts.
i cannot find my confidence.
i cannot find my security.
i cannot find my answers.
"because the spark is not within me."-from the arcade fire's "crown of love."
crown of love is not my favorite song on that album. but that line obsesses me. it expresses so purely the tragic feeling of hopelessness, powerlessnes... nothingness, really. i am someone who lives to create, and most of the time i can do so, and it keeps me functioning. my mind feeds my hands, and the work settles my mind. and i hear that line and just shudder--i get cold inside thinking about it--"what if the spark was not within me? what would i do? im so glad i dont have that problem, at least not right now... i cant even imagine!"
it feels like this. the spark is not within me. things, mundane things, things i deal with every day, have taken forefront in my mind and consumed my thoughts with worry. i begin to second guess myself and ask questions, questions that are destructive but, as a paranoid person, i must consider as also being helpful. the answers that i have known as truth have accordingly been questioned. i cant ask anyone for help because i dont trust anyone. people will lie to you. i hate that.
the spark is not within me.
im busy doing... something, i dont know. but ive been putting off an art project because im just not sure what to do for it. the spark... and i am afraid of making my prom dress because im freaked out about messing it up. this is what it's like. fear. anxiety. paranoia. insecurity--what i didnt say on the phone from the department store is that ive felt terrible about my body lately. confusion... it's overwhelming. and i dread going to bed because, although i need the sleep really badly, the waking moments between me and the darkness will be filled by the panicked scream of my mind...
the spark is not within me.
music: the arcade fire
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
it's on my mother's side.i have proof that there is actually an emo gene, and it is dominant in my family.
my aunt just called. she said my six-year-old cousin said the following:
"i hate this world and everything in it."
it was because he had to find some crayons with which to do his homework.
music: jeff buckley
Saturday, April 02, 2005
i know better than to do this in lj.Italicized: What I've read parts of.
Underlined: What I've read.
Bold: What I'd like to read.
#1 The Bible
_#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain_
#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
#4 The Koran
#5 Arabian Nights
#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
#7 Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
_#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne_
#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
#11 The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
#12 Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe
_#13Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank_
#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
#16 Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker
#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin
#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne
_#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck_
#22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
#23 Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
#25 Ulysses by James Joyce
#26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
#27 Animal Farm by George Orwell
#28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (still working on it. i read it in blake's bed.)
_#29 Candide by Voltaire_
_#30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee_
#31 Analects by Confucius
#32 Dubliners by James Joyce
#33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
#34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
#35 Red and the Black by Stendhal
#36 Das Capital by Karl Marx
#37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire
#38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
_#40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley_
#41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
#42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
#43 The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
_#44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque_
#45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx
#46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding
#47 Diary by Samuel Pepys
_#48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway_
#49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
_#50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury_
#51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
#52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant
#53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (ive been reading this since school started. i think i just finished the second chapter. it's in my bed right now.)
#54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus
_#55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller_
#56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X
#57 Color Purple by Alice Walker (i saw the movie)
#59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke
#60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
#61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
#62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck
_#64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison_
#65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
#66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau (i read part of it--in the original french! pwned!)
#67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by Francois Rabelais (see above)
#68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes
#69 The Talmud
#70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
#72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence
#73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
#74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler
#75 Separate Peace by John Knowles
#76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
#77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck (after reading the first two pages, in which the only action is a dude blowing the snot out of his nose without the use of a tissue, i lost interest. why is there so much steinbeck on this list?)
#78 Popol Vuh
#79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith
#80 Satyricon by Petronius
_#81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl_
_#82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov_ ( <3 )
#83 Black Boy by Richard Wright (we only had to read the first part for school.)
#84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu
#85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
#86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
#87 Metaphysics by Aristotle
_#88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder_
#89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin
#90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse
#91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene
#92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner
#93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
#94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin
_#95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig_ (i THINK i read this one)
#96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
#97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud
#98 Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
#99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown
_#100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess_ (real horrorshow.)
#101 Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines
#102 Emile Jean by Jacques Rousseau
#103 Nana by Emile Zola
#104 Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
#105 Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin
#106 Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#107 Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
#108 Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
#109 Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark
#110 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
actually, i dont really like to read very much.
music: harvest.
ps. neil young suffered a brain anyeurism and i feel responsible.
. Adam .
. Alex .
. Amy .
. Andrea .
. Arvind .
. Cynthia .
. Daria .
. Kevin .
. Maggie .
. Michelle .
. Mike .
. Miyoung .
. Mukul .
. Sam .
. Sanjana .
. Shannon .
. Xin .
I look at:
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. Scary Go Round .
. Toothpaste for Dinner .
. Natalie Dee .
. Questionable Content .
. Diesel Sweeties .
. Sinfest .
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. Homestar Runner .
. My other blog, Mimu's Message.com .
. My livejournal (im such a hipster slut, i know) .
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