the boring leading the bored

2005-11-25T18:06:00.000-05:00

AWESOME.

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

music: awesome.

2005-08-30T00:57:00.000-04:00

things i have laughed at today:

1. this guy's hand. i was driving home from work, and this guy was in the passenger's seat of the car next to me. and he was talking to the driver and was gesticulating... but just a little. like, the whole time he rested his wrist on the...windowsill...thing...of the car, and would just flip his hand up every once in a while. and if you didnt look at him and just watched his hand flop around it looked really funny. like a disembodied hand struggling for life.

2. the new bread in our house called "XTREME WHITE." i just opened the bread drawer and started laughing out loud.

3. blake. because he is funny!! and because i was really happy, so i was just laughing.

music: im getting into david bowie again. also, i was introduced this evening to Heiroglyphics, an excellent hip-hop group, one member being del. they are so good. sooo good.

2005-08-17T23:16:00.000-04:00

my dad was nay-saying me again tonight. im working on a project im really excited about (im decorating a chair and selling it on ebay) and i was saying i needed more fortune cookies and he's all like "THIS CHAIR IS GONNA COST YOU A FORTUNE HAHAHA" and that's not the first time he's mentioned this being too expensive. no faith. none at all. i mean, he was just trying to make a joke, because he does that, but it just sucks to have someone implying that you are going to fail. like, i am convinced im going to be able to pull in enough from this chair to cover costs, but there's always some doubt in my mind about anything i do. and i dont need that reinforced, you know?

my dad also informed me in a rather gauche fashion that my college education isnt necessarily provided for. that was pretty awesome. and i mean, it turned out to be not as bad as he made it sound, but NOW wasnt the time that i wanted to hear that an assumption i had held for my ENTIRE LIFE about the security of my college years was being dismantled. the conversation started with me being like "dang im working a lot. why am i doing this?" with my motivation being to get some reassurance that i am not too poor, which i am always afraid i am. and dad being like "well, we've been thinking about it and we think that we will pay for your first two years of college and then after that (and at this point i was like "GUH WHAT?!?" so i dont remember exactly what he said. something about loans.). and it's like... shit. shit. SHIT! i should be working even HARDER then! i am TOO POOR I AM GOING TO STARVE AND DROP OUT OF SCHOOL OH SHIT WHY DID I BUY THAT THERMAL AT MEIJER THE OTHER DAY.

it wasnt that horrible of news, really. mom and dad explained it just as a financial situation that might involve some loans--no sweat when i am out of college and have a job. it might be sweat then, but definitely none now. mom explains that i dont have to pennypinch... or worry about money at all... right now. dad days "and you'll be glad for all the work you're doing now in college!"

mom understands how i think and how i worry and knows how to speak logically to me to calm me down. this is an interesting and awesome thing about my mom--the woman will not coddle me. has refused to for years, even when i've hoped she would. if i am upset, she just hands me logic. "things arent as bad as they seem. you're just reacting emotionally. things will get better. you have to make yourself cope." and this is generally not what i want when i am upset (although it is probably a really healthy thing, because it helps me be stronger, you know?). however, mom's mode of communication when i am WORRIED is the best thing i could ask for. because she always tries to calm me down and she can always back it up. one of the things that bothers me the most is when people try to calm me down and they bullshit me. people will say anything you to hear, basically. because we all know what everyone wants to hear. but i dont want to hear that! never, EVER lie to me to make me feel better! it's insulting! im mad at mr. hayward, one of my favorite people ever, for doing this for years. he would always compliment my writing... unmitigated bullshit, sir, no disrespect. i cant write! i know i cant write! dont patronize me!

i love my mother because she wont patronize me, but still offers me consolation based in logic.
(blake doesnt patronize me either. it often takes me aback when i say something--when i fish, really. when i try and get him to say what i want him to say. he wont do it! he never does! it is equally frustrating and awesome. it makes me respect him that he wouldnt lie or bullshit or whatever just to make me happy, honestly. and i think it shows respect for me as well. and it's pretty lucky that he doesnt let that stuff get through, because i, often accidentally, become manipulative and that could really mess with our relationship.)

my father doesnt get how to talk to me at all. he tends to just reinforce whatever negative feelings i have. the fact that i see this as being the consistent outcome of our interactions begs an interesting question--am i projecting?

A. probably yes. i tend to take stuff out on my dad. and blame my dad. and write angsty blog posts about my dad. in my defense, though, there has to be a reason that i choose my father as the general vessel for my wrath sometimes. and it is because he actually does just rub me the wrong way sometimes. our personalities and communication styles just dont mess well. his sense of humor tends to just hit me wherever im sensitive, and this causes a lot of problems.

so much blogging is probably indicative of a decline in mental health.

music: rachel's.

rachel's is the only thing i've really enjoyed listening to in a while. i thought things were gonna be awesome post-cleansing because i was missing my music and when i heard non-classical in people's cars and stuff it was so enjoyable. but i've generally just lost interest in everything i listen to, including the classical. but listening to rachel's is feeling pretty good, because it is so close to classical that it reminds me of cleansing week, which was a good week for most of it.

2005-08-17T00:32:00.000-04:00

im such a complain-o-tron

i am guilty of being unenthused.

in just unenthused right now. i cant get excited about music or decoupage or the people in my life.

it seems completely and utterly sinful to not be excited by my life right now. it is pretty damned good and fulllll of possibilities. i am surrounded by good things.

but i just dont care. i'd rather watch degrassi or read a book or something.

i just dont want to drop back to the place i was a week ago when i kinda just stayed in bed and worried all the time. that was not cool at all.

also, my bed is just NOT GOOD ENOUGH after sleeping in shannon's guest bed the other night. it just doesnt compare. it is too big and empty and stark. i need a comforter that ISNT full of invisible, flesh-eating organisms, which my favorite one unfortunately is.

music: i should care. the cleansing was supposed to make me care. now i just dont want to listen to anything at all.

2005-08-07T02:36:00.000-04:00

i am eating my words and they are delicious

i'm doing a cleansing.

i know i said i wouldnt dream of it, but it just kind of happened. it began with me not wanting to listen to music because i didnt feel good. and then it got so quiet in my car, and i tuned to 89.7 fm, the classical station. and it just kinda clicked. i went, "yeah. im gonna listen to this for a while."

so classical cleansing it is.

classical music is really cool. it's good for when you're feeling bad. you can just kind of listen to it and it doesnt really force any meaning onto you. you can just listen to it and feel it and think about what it means to you and what it meant to whoever wrote it and what it could mean to anyone else. it's relaxing because it's contemplative. and im into relaxing right now. i just feel really tied up inside and i just need to wind down. more sleep. more rest. more quiet.

i need some mozart.

music: the only classical recording i have is a cd of stuff by brahms. it's pretty good. but then it's rare that classical music is just bad.

ps. i dont miss my music at all, really. im enjoying getting into something with which i am barely familiar. and because i listen to the radio, i have no control over what i listen to. it's random and fun. the only thing is that i have the smiths stuck in my head a lot, and im not too sure why.

2005-08-05T01:13:00.000-04:00

stop it stop it stop it

so how about the word "until"? it changes everything.

i will be on vacation until i leave on the twelfth.

thanks, until. now i'm not on completely hypothetical vacation anymore.

or how about this:

nothing went wrong.
nothing went wrong until we heard that beeping noise.

everything would have been fine if it werent for until!

but then there is:

i felt sad
until i heard his voice on the telephone.

basically, "until" just changes everything.
how bout that.

music: the decemberists, "red right ankle"

ps. i just dont feel good.

2005-08-01T11:37:00.000-04:00

fresh!

a friend of my boyfriend occasionally does this thing he calls a "jazz cleansing." it's a rather clever solution to a problem that many people have (including myself)--you start getting bored of your music. even if you buy/download new music, the old stuff just doesnt do it for you anymore, and it is your music that you used to like. it's a pity. so josh does a jazz cleansing. he listens to nothing but jazz for a couple weeks, and, according to him, coming back to his old music makes it feel all new again. sounds like a good solution, except if you dont have enough jazz or dont feel like listening to jazz. so instead, i've thought of some alternatives to the jazz cleansing, using familiar household products you probably already have.

1. mars volta cleansing- listen to nothing but frances the mute until ANYTHING sounds like a bloody masterpiece in comparison.

2. pitchfork cleansing- dont listen to any music, but read the entire contents of pitchfork every day. listening to intoxicated reviewers jerk off to the newest, hippest scenester band will renew your lust for your good old classics, from the days when reviewers were men. or women. anything but bloggers with a six-pack of pabst blue ribbon and an equal liquid measure of pretentiousness. (oh, hypocrisy!)

3. post-rock cleansing- hell, this one might actually work. bust out your godspeed, mogwai and explosions in the sky and rekindle your yearning to hear vocals. (ps. dear everyone, please stop hating on post-rock! it's a beautiful experimental art form which allows for a listener to both experience and apply emotion. be a little open-minded.)

4. "the sirens" cleansing- listen to nothing but the song "the sirens" by rachel's. music that DOESNT give you an f'ing heart attack is going to sound real appealing.

5. ethnic cleansing- ethnic cleansing isn't funny.

6. ska cleansing- NOT WORTH IT.

7. wnci cleansing- (or mainstream-pop-radio-station-of-your-choice cleansing) This one also borders on "not worth it," but you will find yourself KISSING your iPod because it doesn't play the same car commercial over and over. or the same kelly clarkson song over and over. you'll be glad to be back, even if to just list to q and not u's "wonderful people" over and over. (note: this could be dangerous, as pop music is known to contain highly addictive chemicals that cause you to get those damn songs stuck in your head until it actually gets hard to wait an hour and a half to hear "hollaback girl" again.)

8. beethoven cleansing- actually has potential of working for the same reason the jazz cleansing works. i personally prefer mozart.

9. "abstinence" cleansing- don't listen to music. shop, though. go to used stores and try and find stuff you're going to want to listen to in future--vinyl is especially/fun/cheap/those are synonomous anyway. when you feel the time is right/on your wedding night, bust out all your new fun stuff. and when you exhaust it, return to your old collection. think of your new collection as your kids from your new marriage and your old collection as your illigitimate children. then get your bloody tubes tied--that's a lot of mouths to feed already. this metaphor has gone way too far.

10. folk cleansing- this must include new and old folk. listen to folk all the time. you will return to electric guitars/synthesizers as symbols of electricity after your foray into the backwoods of music, where there is no indoor plumbing.

thx.

music: why would i want to do a cleansing if i dont even enjoy bathing? honestly!

2005-06-28T00:04:00.000-04:00

here.

scene: cereal aisle at kroger, ten pm. girl walking mechanically up and down the aisle, people looking on.

onlooker 1: dude, what's that girl's deal?
onlooker b: i don't know, man. she just keeps pacing and mumbling something about wanting to have breakfast with the king.

fin.

all i really want is some king vitaman, dude.

music: ...and you will know us by the trail of dead

ps. this was so much less lame in my head.

pps. nah, probably not. i am hugely lame.

2005-06-01T21:01:00.000-04:00

ah-one, ah-two, ah-one-two-three-four!

one. bubblegum? YES.

two. "dance hall" by modest mouse has a lyrical reference to ugly casanova's "ice on the sheets" ("committing crimes and we're running down the alley/i am the captain, you're in the galley")

three. "these burgers are crazy" by the moldy peaches is easily the STUPIDEST song ever, and is frequently stuck in my head.

four. tonight has been kind of a weird night. ive been antsy and ive come to a couple realizations.

i have a little brother. in truth, he was probably one of my closest friends growing up, but we still fought all the time. we STILL fight sometimes. but when we were little we had a certain dynamic to our relationship. i was bossy and overcritical (i still do this, too), and his only combattant tool (i dont think combattant was the right word there, or even a word at all for that matter) was to BUG me. he would tease and torment... anything he knew that would especially irritate me for whatever reason was soon the only thing out of his mouth. sometimes it was personal, most of the time it wasnt. like he used to make this like... clacking sound with his mouth... guh. it STILL makes me shudder. but i dont hold any of this against him... truly, it was all in self-defense. but i used to get soooooo mad. and instead of hitting him, which got me in trouble, i would do one of two things. i would either hurt him, or let it go. both of these tactics have stayed with me. in the first, i would say something really, really mean. something personal. something taboo. something truly, truly hurtful. i swear i can just FEEL the spikes on those words when i let them slip. i can tell that i have just brought something completely vile into existence... something that will hurt someone... usually someone i care about. and most of the time, i dont like to do that, so i "ignore." i think the problem is, though, that when your little brother is calling you "grandma" for some inexplicable reason (was it the glasses? the short, curly hair? or perhaps just because he saw you were bothered by it...), the best option is to just ignore him. you aren't a grandma. you're seven years old. he can just go suck an egg. but it's different when you're older and somebody does or says something to hurt you. because in this case you ARE a grandma.... er... at least... you are hurt. the problem is real. so if you ignore it... it doesnt stop hurting. but it's supposed to. so you ignore. you try. you try. you get bitter. you eventually let it slip... you say something terrible... but in general you just keep it bottled up. cheers, passive-aggressiveness. cheers. and, of course, i dont know who to blame. is it my parents, for telling me to "ignore" jeff's taunting? probably not. it was the best thing at the time. i suppose it's probably me. but is it that i never learned to adjust my conflict-resolution techniques to adulthood? or was i just born this way?

once again, damn you, nature v. nurture. damn you.

ah-two-three-four.

i was alone tonight. i wasnt feeling super-well, so i didnt go to work, so i couldnt go out, so i stayed home. by myself. i mean, my family was here. i actually played a board game with my dad for a while (i beat him all three times, kthx) out of sheer madness. i was alone! and i just craved PEOPLE. i didnt want to work on my projects, i didnt want to clean up the horrible mess ive been making all over the house, and i didnt want to do my laundry. i wanted people. the most notable of the things i DIDNT want to do is my projects. there was once a time that i would unquestionably devote every part of my being to the work i was doing, especially if it involved creation. art. and ive been working on a photo project all day. i LOVE photography. i mean, ive been frustrated with it recently/most of the time, but it's something i can be successful at if i work really hard (i mean... not according to the art show judges but that isnt what we're talking about right now). but i cant just love my work anymore, i think. (this is almost a shame.) but the thing is... ive been... opened, i guess. it occurs to me more and more that im not completely self-possessed anymore.

the time in my life when i was most self-possessed, i took a lot of walks. that's what i most remember about it. walking around, listening to music and looking around and thinking. and i think of it fondly, because it was really a beautiful time for me. beautiful, but not happy, i dont think. they were melancholic walks, because i was so very alone. sometimes i didnt walk alone, true, but i walked with someone who i wasnt letting get close. i hurt him... we never had a chance because i was almost just messing with him... he was there so i had someone to talk to, and so that i wasnt alone, and i truly valued that... fortunately our relationship eventually grew to mean more, but not in the same context. i was a shut-up young sixteen-year-old (seventeen?), miss "no-mushrooms-please" and dont you touch that heart. (i had been hurt.) but i lived for myself and my work. i was sad and i was self-sufficient. no more. i eventually stopped hurting. i stopped hating, i stopped abusing. i opened up. and here i am. it's beautiful, and i am so glad i found somebody who could hold me without hurting me, but it's scary to need. there's a vulnerability, even when you feel like you can trust someone. and it changes you. priorities shift, personality twists, and sometimes you face outright exposure. im generally the type that doesnt want you to see me like this. like this, like that, like anything. im a perfectionist. i want to always keep it together. i want to keep it safe. i want to keep it covered! in fact, it's at this point in the writing that i consider not posting, deleting. because truly, this is bullshit that nobody cares about. and if they do, if they read it, i give them understanding. and at the same time as i crave human understanding, i fear the sort of probing analysis that has picked me apart before. sigh... i just want to be alone. no... i just want to be able to be alone. i think. but then... i'd miss you.

music: ugly casanova

2005-05-23T16:15:00.000-04:00

LP UPDATE

cheers:
-"the doors" by the doors is a good album.
-"waiting for the sun" by the doors is also a good album.
-"neil young" by neil young is a good album too.

c'mon:
-inside the sleeve of "a wild and crazy guy" by steve martin was a SLY AND THE FAMILY STONE album. angry.
-what i thought was a the mamas and the papas album is actually an album of "instrumental interpretations" of their songs. =a waste of life.

i have also listened to "disraeli gears" by cream and some genesis (i dont remember which album) but i didnt pay any attention, so i am unfit to judge at this point.

...yep.

2005-05-23T16:05:00.000-04:00

This About Nails How I Feel About Episode III

http://www.gossamercommons.com/content/strips/vadercoffeepanelinkedlettered.gif

This "Holkan" fellow draws a lovely webcomic called Gossamer Commons, which is written by the lovely Eric Burns of Websnark (yeah, it's a collaboration thing).

Speaking of Websnark, and i know nobody cares because nobody reads it, but if you do and you happen to see any posts with titles prefaced by [w], look the fuck out. eric now shares his commentary page with Wednesday White, another writer. who also does reviews. and is incredibly annoying. and difficult to understand. and annoying. and just writes about some fellow who makes tracts all the time. TRACTS. it's a pain. maybe if she spoke understandable english it wouldn't be so bad. but it's like listening to Shelley from SGR on weed discussing ancient philosophy... convoluted, verbose and almost completely pointless.

well... im a geek. yeah.

music: man i dont know.

2005-05-14T13:37:00.000-04:00

on Never Being Happy

the good news: my devendra banhart album came in and it is delicious folk music.

the bad news: omg the cure just re-released seventeen seconds, faith and pornography with bonus material and stuff and i dont have any of those albums and i want them SO BAD.

i cant believe i havent listened to all those lps my uncle gave me at ALL yet.

i have a brilliant idea for a shirt to make.

actually i have two. squee.

i have been listening to the beta band a lot recently, which is a good thing to do. they make some of the most creative music ive ever heard.

i dont think i like the fiery furnaces very much. they make annoying music. i do, however, like the third "act" of chief inspector blancheflower, the part about the fellow's younger brother dating his old love. the rapid-fire lyrics are wonderful and it has a great, realistic feeling to it. and i must say it's kind of sweet that the songs by this band have "acts."

why am i here?

music: the beta band

2005-05-05T23:08:00.000-04:00

pr0n

i am for real on the internet with no shirt on and just my bra. and i didnt do it.

scroll down on this thing. i am in black and white, on the left. there are words in my hair.
http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=6508555&Mytoken=20050505200555

yeah i look at myspaces when im bored. who doesnt, honestly?

music: shmapn shmazz

2005-04-28T17:34:00.000-04:00

the pain in spain

I AM TIRED OF BEING STABBED BY PINS.

it hurts...

music: the microphones

"the pain in spain falls mainly on...me"

2005-04-21T00:10:00.000-04:00

crying in the wilderness

i cannot find my voice.
i cannot find my peace.
i cannot find my rest.
i cannot find my thoughts.
i cannot find my confidence.
i cannot find my security.
i cannot find my answers.

"because the spark is not within me."-from the arcade fire's "crown of love."

crown of love is not my favorite song on that album. but that line obsesses me. it expresses so purely the tragic feeling of hopelessness, powerlessnes... nothingness, really. i am someone who lives to create, and most of the time i can do so, and it keeps me functioning. my mind feeds my hands, and the work settles my mind. and i hear that line and just shudder--i get cold inside thinking about it--"what if the spark was not within me? what would i do? im so glad i dont have that problem, at least not right now... i cant even imagine!"

it feels like this. the spark is not within me. things, mundane things, things i deal with every day, have taken forefront in my mind and consumed my thoughts with worry. i begin to second guess myself and ask questions, questions that are destructive but, as a paranoid person, i must consider as also being helpful. the answers that i have known as truth have accordingly been questioned. i cant ask anyone for help because i dont trust anyone. people will lie to you. i hate that.

the spark is not within me.

im busy doing... something, i dont know. but ive been putting off an art project because im just not sure what to do for it. the spark... and i am afraid of making my prom dress because im freaked out about messing it up. this is what it's like. fear. anxiety. paranoia. insecurity--what i didnt say on the phone from the department store is that ive felt terrible about my body lately. confusion... it's overwhelming. and i dread going to bed because, although i need the sleep really badly, the waking moments between me and the darkness will be filled by the panicked scream of my mind...

the spark is not within me.

music: the arcade fire

2005-04-12T18:00:00.000-04:00

it's on my mother's side.

i have proof that there is actually an emo gene, and it is dominant in my family.

my aunt just called. she said my six-year-old cousin said the following:

"i hate this world and everything in it."

it was because he had to find some crayons with which to do his homework.

music: jeff buckley

2005-04-02T13:45:00.000-05:00

i know better than to do this in lj.

Italicized: What I've read parts of.
Underlined: What I've read.
Bold: What I'd like to read.

#1 The Bible
_#2 Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain_
#3 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
#4 The Koran
#5 Arabian Nights
#6 Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
#7 Gulliver's Travels by Jonathan Swift
#8 Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
_#9 Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne_
#10 Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
#11 The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli
#12 Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe
_#13Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank_
#14 Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
#15 Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens
#16 Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
#17 Dracula by Bram Stoker
#18 Autobiography by Benjamin Franklin
#19 Tom Jones by Henry Fielding
#20 Essays by Michel de Montaigne
_#21 Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck_
#22 History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire by Edward Gibbon
#23 Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
#24 Origin of Species by Charles Darwin
#25 Ulysses by James Joyce
#26 Decameron by Giovanni Boccaccio
#27 Animal Farm by George Orwell
#28 Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell (still working on it. i read it in blake's bed.)
_#29 Candide by Voltaire_
_#30 To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee_
#31 Analects by Confucius
#32 Dubliners by James Joyce
#33 Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
#34 Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway
#35 Red and the Black by Stendhal
#36 Das Capital by Karl Marx
#37 Flowers of Evil by Charles Baudelaire
#38 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
_#40 Brave New World by Aldous Huxley_
#41 Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
#42 Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
#43 The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
_#44 All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque_
#45 Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx
#46 Lord of the Flies by William Golding
#47 Diary by Samuel Pepys
_#48 Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway_
#49 Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy
_#50 Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury_
#51 Doctor Zhivago by Boris Pasternak
#52 Critique of Pure Reason by Immanuel Kant
#53 One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (ive been reading this since school started. i think i just finished the second chapter. it's in my bed right now.)
#54 Praise of Folly by Desiderius Erasmus
_#55 Catch-22 by Joseph Heller_
#56 Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X
#57 Color Purple by Alice Walker (i saw the movie)
#59 Essay Concerning Human Understanding by John Locke
#60 Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
#61 Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe
#62 One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#63 East of Eden by John Steinbeck
_#64 Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison_
#65 I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
#66 Confessions by Jean Jacques Rousseau (i read part of it--in the original french! pwned!)
#67 Gargantua and Pantagruel by Francois Rabelais (see above)
#68 Leviathan by Thomas Hobbes
#69 The Talmud
#70 Social Contract by Jean Jacques Rousseau
#71 Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
#72 Women in Love by D. H. Lawrence
#73 American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
#74 Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler
#75 Separate Peace by John Knowles
#76 Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
#77 Red Pony by John Steinbeck (after reading the first two pages, in which the only action is a dude blowing the snot out of his nose without the use of a tissue, i lost interest. why is there so much steinbeck on this list?)
#78 Popol Vuh
#79 Affluent Society by John Kenneth Galbraith
#80 Satyricon by Petronius
_#81 James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl_
_#82 Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov_ ( <3 )
#83 Black Boy by Richard Wright (we only had to read the first part for school.)
#84 Spirit of the Laws by Charles de Secondat Baron de Montesquieu
#85 Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
#86 Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George
#87 Metaphysics by Aristotle
_#88 Little House on the Prairie by Laura Ingalls Wilder_
#89 Institutes of the Christian Religion by Jean Calvin
#90 Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse
#91 Power and the Glory by Graham Greene
#92 Sanctuary by William Faulkner
#93 As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner
#94 Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin
_#95 Sylvester and the Magic Pebble by William Steig_ (i THINK i read this one)
#96 Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
#97 General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud
#98 Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
#99 Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee by Dee Alexander Brown
_#100 Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess_ (real horrorshow.)
#101 Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman by Ernest J. Gaines
#102 Emile Jean by Jacques Rousseau
#103 Nana by Emile Zola
#104 Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
#105 Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin
#106 Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
#107 Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein
#108 Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Peck
#109 Ox-Bow Incident by Walter Van Tilburg Clark
#110 Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes

actually, i dont really like to read very much.

music: harvest.

ps. neil young suffered a brain anyeurism and i feel responsible.

2005-03-31T14:17:00.000-05:00

snark.

so i read this site called "websnark.com." it's a blog by this fellow who basically just reviews webcomics and, as of recently, also writes one. it's interesting to read, as someone who prefers "something positive" to "somethingawful.com" (not linked because i dont care) and "cat and girl" to "collegehumor.com" (once again...). This isnt a dig at those who like humor sites. i think they're funny (well, not somethingawful), definitely, but i just dont spend my jillions of internet hours looking at them. i read webcomics, and i read websnark.

websnark is great not necessarily because i am looking for really good reviews of webcomics, but because it introduces me to new comics. which means less boredom while online, because i obviously cant just just get a life. another positive aspect of websnark is eric's writing style. it's casual and conversational, and he's consistently a pretty nice guy. i mean, he's a critic, but if he's too harsh, he apologizes. he's always ready for a debate on his opinions. he runs a fine site. i guess it's kind of interest-specialized, so i dont know if you'd really care to read it, but i just thought i'd put in a kind word for him. and also mention that he's inspired me a little.

somewhere within the last four years i picked up the critic's spirit ("cinematic gem," anyone?). i blame mr. hayward. but regardless of who's at fault and whether i should cut it the hell out (i should), i might, or might not, start writing more reviews. shrug.

really this all just a setup for another link. i found this through websnark, and i really like it. it reminds me of some of mike newell's stuff. the art is nice, the story is short, but very well put-together. i can appreciate the attitude portrayed, and i think many of you might, also. here's to the american working/schooling population.

http://www.twentysevenletters.com/comics/spoons.htm

music: tv on the radio

2005-02-24T22:12:00.000-05:00

listen to the child.

credit: john allison of scary go round

i should stop complaining so much. i lead a bloody charmed life, and i wouldn't have enough time to write my english paper tonight if i counted all my blessings.

is this a resolution? no. too weak. just a reminder.

music: daylight EP

2005-02-23T23:41:00.000-05:00

untitled

"i just need to be heard."

whenever i start to write something on here, i almost always am tempted to make that my title. i really only write when i need to be heard. and i wonder... why do i need to be heard?

if i really want to be heard, why am i afraid to speak truthfully and clearly?

self-protection, i guess. you never want to incriminate yourself, and it's polite not to incriminate those around you. and everyone is watching. and everyone is talking. am i paranoid? yes. but i'm also right. it's for this reason that i think the "friends-only" function of livejournal is stupid. who are you hiding from, making your posts friends-only? only those who aren't reading your livejournal anyway. the ones you need to be careful about are the ones who are your friends. your friends-only, only friends. because they are watching, and they are talking.

this wasnt supposed to start out so cynical. i dont feel that cynical. i've accepted the fact that this is what goes on. people are just curious. sometimes it's even because they care. you just have to be careful, i guess. figure out who you can trust--strangely, ive found those people are not the ones i would think they would be.

so i worry. i worry about everything. but i worry about writing. every word i put onto my monitor is full of doubt and worry--this is terrible. people are reading this, what are they thinking? are they judging me? are they realizing what bullshit this is? is it bullshit? of course. everything i write is trite bullshit. i have no choice. i'm a postmodernist. a pessimist. and a really terrible writer.

i'm not a pessimist, really. i think. i vascillate. i think.

who was it, that said "know thyself"?

i dont care, honestly. im not even that desperate about knowing myself. i used to know a guy who was bloody insistent that it was important to understand one's identity. he was wrong. he overanalyzed it, as he did most things. he was miserable. i bet he still is.

i guess maybe i think about my self a lot. maybe i even think about myself a lot. probably. but i dont worry about it. i just wonder. i consider. i plan, maybe just a little. and i remember.

i'm freezing up. i am afraid. and i really dont think anyone cares. dont bother to refute, it doesnt bother me. im paranoid enough to not believe you anyway.

i'm not as upset as i sound. i love life. really.

music: disintegration

it's just...

it never ends.
and everyone is so sick.

2005-02-09T23:39:00.000-05:00

enough.

Dj Atari I: stop having bad days.
Dj Atari I: that's what you should give up for lent.
Dj Atari I: bad evenings.

he's right.

thank you, marc, for wishing me well and always being patient.

too many bad evenings these days, this among them. my feet are numb, which means i cant feel them hurting from work tonight. they are too cold.

i work too much. and you will say, 'hey, more money.'

I HATE MONEY.

it just makes me worry. next week i'm going to go out and blow it all on fancy underwear. no, really. sunny and i are going to go shopping. like girls. because we just can't take it anymore.

thank you, sunny, for listening to me.

school is terrible. i don't want to talk about it.

thank you, mukul, for always asking and never telling. i know it's because you're looking out for me.

i wish i weren't so paranoid. it makes it hard. it's hard enough, really. i just worry, and it just escalates til i can't stand it. and what's worse is i can't dismiss my delusions, because i go, wait, what if i'm right? what a cycle.

thank you, john, for confiding in me.

and there is something important:

one should never think she acts independently. people around her are affected by her actions.

this is something i never considered seriously before tonight. before i found myself affected. i should be more careful about this myself.

beware! and
beware! and
beware!

be aware.

music: morrissey- he knows i'd love to see him.
(morrissey is the voice of my teen angst. no, really. you can all keep your conor oberst.)

2005-02-04T22:31:00.000-05:00

MY FATHER IS INSANE

HE IS MAKING ME DO A STUPID, INSANE FAVOR FOR HIM.

*AHEM*

IF YOU OR YOUR PARENTS HAVE THE EPISODE OF "24" FROM MONDAY, JANUARY 31ST TAPED, HE WOULD LIKE IT AND WOULD PAY YOU TWENTY DOLLARS FOR IT.

BECAUSE HE IS BLOODY INSANE.

GUH.

MUSIC: WHO CARES.

2005-02-01T01:39:00.000-05:00

consider yourself warned

i just need to be heard, 's all.

its late (late enough) and im tired but i cant sleep and im cold and lonely and sick and i hurt and i just need a hug. i feel super alone. super, super alone. it's like, scary. i just feel like a scared little girl.

sniff.

music: jeff buckley

2005-01-19T16:42:00.000-05:00

post-script.

some cds i want, in case you're feeling generous.
a-hem.

jeff buckley-grace
tv on the radio-[i dont even know what it's called]

2005-01-19T16:24:00.000-05:00

i would go out tonight, but i haven't got a stitch to wear

this charming man
so i opted not to go to the bright eyes show tonight
he said, "return the ring"
and i REALLY feel like dancing
he knows so much about these things
because i updated my iPod today and am feeling all music-y.

all men have secrets, and here is mine
i dont really want to go to work tonight
so let it be known
in fact, i wasnt even scheduled. im just helping out jessica.
and why, because you asked me to
i'd prefer to stay home and laze about or make something.
so what difference does it make?
but i have to study. stupid exams.
but i'm still fond of you
and my sewing machine is broken. but it's getting fixed tomorrow!
the devil will find work for idle hands to do
and i am also getting my hair cut. finally.
and now you make me feel so ashamed cause ive only got two hands

stop me if you think that you've heard this one before
i just havent made anything in ages. not a damn thing.
i was delayed, i was waylaid
but i kind of feel okay about it. i still feel really creatively healthy.
i crashed down on the crossbar
i just kind of want to work.
who said i'd lied to her?
and by work i dont mean the jo-ann fabric.
because i never, i never!
i'm tired of it being cold.
only slightly, only slightly less
and i want very much to spraypaint.

i am a man of means--
i need to go to the bank.
of slender means!
i need to cash some checks.
every sensible child will know what this means
and i need to buy a respirator because im too paranoid to continue my thing in my room without one.
and when im lying in my bed
i feel super complacent.
i think about life and i think about death
but i am happy right now. just, about things in general.
and neither one particularly appeals to me.

i decree today that life is simply taking and not giving
ive just felt so alive recently.
does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?
like im a flower that's blooming.
i dont know.
yeah, that's super weird. but... i dont know.
and if you must go to work tomorrow
im just in a good place. i have ideas.
well if i were you i wouldn't bother
and i think part of it is the people with whom i am surrounding
it just wasnt like the old days anymore

time's tide will smother you
i have to go to work now.
i wish i could...
damn it. i wrote again.
but that joke isn't funny anymore.

music: the smiths.

2004-12-26T01:32:00.000-05:00

a letter in your writing

ive been experiencing these small revolutions of the mind. i keep getting these little explosions of creativity and energy. i am hounded by thoughts... THOUGHTS. this is unusual. most times i am just about as vacant as that stare that's frequently on my face. i am a possessor of a simple mind: consider me shrived. but i just keep having ideas.

i've been snowed in. so i keep thinking of ways to keep busy. i probably thought of the idea for your christmas gift this way. but these creative impulses, followed by a steady compulsion to carry them out (i am out of town, no knife, no ink, no spraypaint), are just an example of the THINGS that are happening in my brain. ive been getting ideas.

i think the first idea was about bags. i decided that, from now on when i shopped, i didnt want to let them give me my stuff in a plastic bag anymore. both blake and my family referred to this notion as "liberal." I told blake it wasn't liberal, it was just "another good thing." "like smoking?" he asked. inside joke. "no," i replied. we walked out of starbucks.

that wasn't the first idea. the first was about buying foreign-made products. and shopping at wal-mart. i decided i wanted to try to buy american. not only to not support sweat shops, but also to support american companies in order to preserve american jobs. im attempting in particular to avoid products that would be hand-made.

oh, and hybrid cars.

there are reasons for most of these things. i wont bore you. ("too late" "haha" ::raise a toast to self-deprecation::)

i am off-track.

what i was getting at is this overall compulsion to do something. something. not just anything, but not anything in particular. i want to make the world better or prettier. i want to create. i want to love. i dont want to waste time. (i quit tv.) i want to make a difference. i suppose it's rather bohemian. and the fact that i can find a term to qualify it is my problem. or curse. choose based on your pessimism. see, you probably aren't even reading this. i dont blame you, i wouldnt read it. if you write, i probably dont read it half the time. i am off-track.

here's the thing: this is stupid. or so you think, so i think, so the world thinks. wanting to make a difference is cute, but unprofitable. you can't get a degree in "mental bursts of creativity and philathropy". it's unrealistic. it's idealistic. and idealism is it's own condemnor. as a cynic myself, i will undoubtedly look on this, probably tomorrow, and dismiss my idiocy. but when in the moment, things improbable are far from impossible. but can the moment last? is it REALLY a waste of time to pursue... anything? yes.

i get shy. i dont like talking. things i say are stupid.

ask blake, he'll tell you. i talk to him on occasion, then realize how ridiculous i sound and stop. he insists i dont stop, which is nice. he's a part of this, really. perhaps a sizable part. i find myself in a very nurturing frame of life. my family is letting me destablize their house with my projects. my teachers are helping me along with my art. and blake is someone to talk to. someone to listen to me about my ideas for art and for life. someone to go places with, someone to learn things from, someone to be close to. thinking about him makes me want to create.

i dont like to gush. i don't like talking.

i lost seven pounds recently. today was christmas, and i probably gained a few of those back, but regardless. seven pounds. and a couple inches of waistline.

i don't like writing. i feel like i'm wasting space.

but is there such thing as a waste?

music: the pixies.

ps. happy boxing day.

2004-12-24T01:24:00.000-05:00

artificially intelligent

is it so wrong to want to be a child prodigy?
is it so wrong to want to be good, great, famous?
is it so wrong to want to quit everything to take time to pursue my art?
is it so wrong to want so few things so vehemently?

recently, i find myself seized.

music: sage francis- "personal journals"

2004-12-12T23:57:00.000-05:00

the fact that "sleigh" and "slay" are homonyms is still funny.

you can't spell "christmas" without "christ", sure.

but you can't spell "chanukah" without getting really frustrated and just giving up.

crappy holidays.

ps.
i can't stop thinking about spraypainting.

music: heart of glass
[once i had love, and it was a gas
soon turned out to be a pain in the ass]

2004-12-10T15:24:00.000-05:00

cute boy award

blake made this for me.

yes, we get on quite nicely.

music: belle and sebastian

2004-12-06T14:11:00.000-05:00

sick day

so i stayed home from school today. this is somewhat unsurprising... it was a very rough weekend and i got little sleep last night. i woke up this morning at five til seven, realizing i had set my alarm for the p.m. on accident, and i hadnt finished my physics project. cheers. but i pulled myself together, realized i could finish my project at lunch, and headed out the door. on the way to school, i started feeling really sick. honestly. so i came back home. and i slept.

im so angry at myself. i wish i wasnt sick. i have been trying so hard to keep everything together recently, and it was hard but i was doing it! until today, anyway. i just get MAD when my body can't take it. i dont like feeling weak.

when it's good it's really good and when it's bad i go to pieces.

ps. "flog" is "golf" backwards.

music: the cure

2004-11-25T01:47:00.000-05:00

things arent as bad as i make them seem. ever.

i just feel kind of...broken. malfunctioning.

music: capn jazz

2004-11-02T16:03:00.000-05:00

INDIE?

into "art", "photography", "writing", "postmodernism", "cynicism", "politics" or "llamas?"

put up or shut up: buy Ma'am, the rag produced by two of the coolest people i have ever known. Marc writes, Andrea makes pictures, all in black and white and glory.

Reserve your copy with Andrea R. HERE or if you don't know her, just ask me and i will ask her for you.

only three dollars.

only three MILLION awesome.

music: the new elliot smith

2004-10-31T04:01:00.000-05:00

won't you shock and entertain us?

i was bored tonight.

i made the shirt. and took dumb pictures of myself.

music: crimes!

2004-10-25T21:58:00.000-04:00

du jour

i got into college.

accepted into the DAAP fashion design school at the University of Cincinnati.

so i guess that's that!

it feels weird.

today was alternately bad and cool.

i come out of it mostly feeling the sting of the bad.

cheers.

and if you know how to keep dust off negatives, please let me know.

music: belle and sebastian, "fox in the snow"

2004-10-23T13:46:00.000-04:00

we the american working population

i got a JOB.

i havent made up my mind about it yet, really. i work at jo ann etc, which is cool... it's a good place for me to work. ask anyone. so that's cool. and i am a cashier. which is a fairly easy and enjoyable job... i just press buttons and talk to people about what they're making. i honestly like it. however, i will have worked 16 hours in three days as of tonight when i get off. three straight days. i am tired. i am real tired, especially because i am refusing to give up anything else... i am still going out and working like a madwoman on my halloween costume. (it's coming along nicely, and i am amazed at how much i can actually do on a sewing machine). and work is kind of weird... there are two types of employees: older ladies who like to quilt or whatever, and weird young ladies... weird ones. not people i like talking to, generally. and i am without a doubt the smallest person on staff. take that as you will. and having a first job is always awkward... i dont know how to have a job! i dont really get it. breaks, clocking in and out, closing... I DONT UNDERSTAND. and im deeply concerned about my schedule. if i am working five five-hour days next week, i will certainly die. and i fear that is what i'm in for. oh mercy.

i didnt get to help jason kaplan paint his room.
i dont get to see the boys next door.
my back hurts.

i had a great time at momo last night with shan, arvind, adam, josh (&mike).
i get to see the boyfriend tonight (finally! seems like it's been forever for some reason.)

the number one reason to have a job: I GET PAID NOVEMBER SECOND!!!!!

music: hunky dory

2004-10-18T01:53:00.000-04:00

Lauren Tackles the Issues

music: "my first kiss at the public execution"

2004-10-15T16:34:00.000-04:00

this weather is heartbreaking

you can see it in all of us. go read your friends page on your livejournal. or read mine. we're all a mess right now. we are bitter, we are sad, we are sorry, we are COLD. ive been with my friends a lot in the past 48 hours, having a great time, but the dreariness of the weather is oppressing the happiness i ought to be experiencing. it comes out as some kind of wistfulness... smiling sadly because i know i love the people around me and i still feel weighed down. cold.

cota day 2004 was NOT a success, but was still really fun. we (jason kaplan and i) didnt want to have to be outside in the rain plus i had to have the car back by nine, so we didnt go downtown. or even take the bus. instead, we just went out for breakfast. at 7 am. before the sun came up. then we came back here and took a nap. yeah. we took a nap.

later we went out a little bit. then we listened to some music, and then i beat the hell out of him at mario kart 64. we went to joann's. we parted ways.

jason kaplan, you're a star.

put on a sweater.

music: the faint

ps. this reminds me of my life a lot.

2004-10-07T22:48:00.000-04:00

i dont mind you hanging out and talking in your sleep

successes of today:

got a cute new haircut
skipped xc practice
went to the pasta dinner anyway
finished the shirt i was making for my grandma
started printing dead shirts

failures of today:

didn't find any shoes for homecoming AGAIN
didn't work on english paper
started printing dead shirts.

they are being so difficult!!! i couldnt get most of them to register right... andrea's was heinous, but with some careful painting i got it to look semi-normal. and colin's... holy crap. it was a MESS and i spent a long time re-painting the whole thing by hand... and then smudged it with my thumb. ugh. it was gonna be like, perfect, too. carlo's turned out very well. sunny's was alright, as were kevin's and marc's. thank you for being patrons and good friends. sorry i suck.

this weekend could be yikes.

a MILLION??!?!
daaaaaang.

well, there's my existence.

music: vernal equinox

2004-10-03T01:26:00.000-04:00

the boyfriendless festival
(days 1 and 2)

so he's at the potato festival in springfield, ohio. don't ask me, i don't know. but anyway... this has allowed for a weekend of madness. cause i got nothing else to do.

Day 1:
shopping with mukul. watching him be all cute about not knowing how to operate a shirt, and not understanding why men's clothing is sized in multiple numbers. but we found what we needed.

dinner. aunt and little boy cousins from cincinnati, on the way to pittsburgh (where there is no sun) stopped in for dinner. so did shannon and arvind, randomly. so we ate and then just talked and stood around. it was a nice surprise to have them come by.

shoe shopping with andrea. i need shoes for HOmecoming. i shopped. i found nothing. so then we just went back to my house and talked about david bowie and marilyn manson and everything else we have a crush on.

movie at mike's. i showed up late, watched the second half of eternal sunshine and ate some cake. thanks for the cake, arvind. mike's room is covered in comic book characters. it's neat.

Day 2:
xc meet. at least we won.

some crap around the house. nothing important.

india festival. the dumb joke of the day was that we thought it was the INDIE festival. when we saw another indie (white) kid there, shannon said to me, "looks like somebody didn't get the memo." it was funny. we kept doing it, as the only white people there were indie. it was actually a really good time. i wanted to be indian so bad the whole time i was there... it's just this rich, beautiful culture... sunny and parag's dance was wonderful. and i ate some yummy indian food and there was all kinds of cool indian clothes and art and jewelry and eee! and i got myself a tee shirt. w00t.

brian's house. most of the kids who were at the indiafest (which was actually, a group of like, 15 of us... which was weird, because we didnt exactly all plan to meet up there) went back to brian's. we watched the season premiere of andromeda which he had dvr'd for sunny (yeah, i dunno either) and then The Pianist, which was good. sad. and i am obvious.

who knows what further excitement boyfriendless festival will bring?? probably none. because sundays are never interesting. maybe i'll play some football.

ps. it isnt that i dont have fun with the boyfriend. cause i do. its just that when i am out with him, i am not out with my own friends, so getting to hang out with them this weekend was delightful.

music: the blood brothers

2004-09-29T15:25:00.000-04:00

oh well, what the hell

at least i didnt cry.

so i didnt get my part (or any, as it is an eight-person cast). im really rather sad about it. and a little bitter, too. i dont even remember the last time i felt this disappointed. i mean, yeah its JUST a part in a play, but i mean... i dont get let down like that very often, for whatever reason.

today kind of sucked a little bit.

music: aesop rock

2004-09-28T23:01:00.000-04:00

j'suis artiste

i bought a sketchbook today and it is blankety-blank-blank-blank. i wanna fill it but i dont have time right now. for honest!--i am supposed to be doing a report on duane michals. i don't want to do it. i love duane michals, and his work. but i dont want to doooo it. i just want to go to bed. and i don't want to get up, either.

i sort of want to get up. i want to see if i got a part in the play i tried out for today. my audition went really well... i nailed my monologue to the wall and they asked me to do a cold reading. i swept the floor with it. that made me deleriously happy for a couple of hours. that was fun. i was feeling incredibly optimistic.

somewhere a happiness vacuum entered the room. shrug.

now i just hope i wont cry if i dont get the part. i hate crying. especially in public. no crying in public. i sure want that part, though. for real.

miss parker gave me dresses. and coats. cause she loooooooves me. which made me happy... i wore one of the dresses today. mrs. schuld told me that if the people who review fashion in Soap Opera Digest saw me they would not appreciate the combination of my crappy pink bag with my pretty dress. i was less taken aback by the fashion criticism than by the fact that mrs. schuld reads soap opera digest. i mean, yeah, she WOULD miss the shows cause she is at school teaching... but wait. SOAPS!?! Mrs. Schuld, DONT WATCH SOAPS. people will think you are an old lady. and you aren't.

i went out in my dress (without a shirt over it, like i had at school). i felt pretty. that's a nice feeling.

the people i love make me kind of sad sometimes.

oh, delerium.

music: bowie

2004-09-27T23:46:00.000-04:00

things i want today (in approximate order of importance/presence in mind)

this part in the play. to get into UC. to (continue to) get along with el bf. to get my monologue memorized. about twelve cds. black silkscreen ink. a camping trip with my friends. to lose about ten pounds. more time for sewing. two medium black tee shirts and one large black tee shirt. to sleep all day like i did in myrtle beach. to go to toronto.

i need to be more assertive.

music: dinosaur jr.

2004-09-22T23:16:00.000-04:00

sometimes i get nowhere

some horrible combination of germs, hormones, chemicals, environment and spiritual forces are making my brain go completely ballistic. im having a lot of difficulty functioning, or thinking in a straight line.

::cry::

plllleeeeease stop, brain.

music: "be my wife"--bowie

2004-09-21T04:17:00.000-04:00

uuuuugh

i am in the midst of the worst night of sleep i have ever suffered. i am in a good deal of pain. my jaw aches inexplicably, and my ears feel as if they are being stabbed by large, rather blunt needles. my head pounds. laying my head on a pillow only intensifies these feelings. i have awoken three or four times so far, since midnight, meaning i have not had more than about an hour and a half of sleep at a time. those periods of sleep have been HORRIBLE. i keep having these delirious dreams where i am trying to do math or reconfigure images or something... they make NO sense and i awake because i am attempting to wrench myself from their madness. i am very, very cold. i am even now on the verge of tears but cannot move myself to cry. and i am completely alone. i just got on here to express myself i guess, or to occupy myself... i dont want to sleep again. but i dont want to be awake.

uuugh. needless to say i wont be at school today.

2004-09-20T23:47:00.000-04:00

jumping into hyperspace isn't the same as dusting crops, farmboy

im sick. i stayed home today. i might do it again tomorrow, too. just for laughs.

so i spent my day watching tv. i hate tv. a lot. fortunately, i found some movies to watch.

1. Great Expectations- yes, THE great expecations, the one we read in hayward's class. but it's modernized, and stars ethan hawke and gwyneth paltrow, and instead of spending bazillions of years sitting around in miss havisham's house, they do that a little bit and then just run around looking completely beautiful and then have some sex. it's an interesting take on the story. really, i'd suggest watching it if you've read the Dickens. it's a lot more entertaining. and... everything in the movie is green. it tries really hard to be artistic like that.

2. STAR WARS- so i watched this thing on VH1 about star wars and decided to watch the movies themselves. i watched the first two (A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back). what incredible movies. i haven't seen them in years, and i'd forgotten how much i loved them! i hadn't, however, forgotten all the lines i used to know. i forgot some, yeah, but i was genuinely shocked to find myself talking along with the movie. gosh. they are so GOOD! they are just really great, entertaining filmmaking.

fun fact: ok, Kessel Run, that occasionally plays the basement shows? the "kessel run" is obviously the standard for fastness in the star wars galaxy. Han Solo brags that the Millenium Falcon can make it in only twelve seconds. now i think Kessel Run is cooler than ever.

tomorrow, if i am sick again, i plan to watch Return of the Jedi. Ewoks. That is all.

Oh--and how about that lj THING that went insane last night?!? that was the craziest. it was kind of funny because we were all talking practically in real time, but we werent iming, just ljing. despite that i actually loved it. i really enjoyed it because it generally let out all the love our little sarcastic hipster asses are hiding. never will this happen again, i am confident. which is a shame. because it was a major self-esteem boost.

in other news, i am gross and smell bad.

music: none

2004-09-16T14:47:00.000-04:00

fox in the snow, where do you go?

life's getting me down.

i take that back. life isn't bad. it's mostly just school.

school's getting me down.

really. this is the emotion i have been expecting for a long time; it was the one that made me sick to my stomach when i anticipated it in the last days of summer.

am i exaggerating? being melodramatic? probably. but consider this your warning: im not done. so quit reading if you like, but as i'm not even polluting your friends list with my nonsense, it is my prerogative to whine like the little angst basket that i am.

anyway.

today was just a draining day. not physically draining, or even mentally, or emotionally... it was more spirit-draining. dragging myself around my my collar just because i have to is disheartening. i dont LIKE school. and it's not like it's just the greater of evils... i LOVE being at home. and i do things i love, things that have WORTH to me when i'm at home! i sew and screenprint and read and occasionally play some bass... im not a bored kid who needs something to do. school is preventing me from doing those things.

i thought i had a solution yesterday. i decided i would just ignore school as much as possible. i'd go, then forget about it. i forgot, however, to take into account homework. they send these things home with me. school invades my life. the easy way out would be to quit doing the homework and quit caring. the problem: school has to matter to me, because it influences the rest of my life as i have it (roughly) planned. i desperately want to go to UC. so i cant mess it up now. i've worked hard for a very long time to get myself into a comfortable place like this and i just can't lose it.

i am tired of the people, too. i mean, i have finally developed a loyalty to a group of friends, but as for the rest of them they are just in my way. all these anonymous freshmen... nobody even stands out to me out of them. and SOMEBODY always stands out to me out of any group of people. they are all just... clones of everyone else in the school. i cant even tell who they are apart from the other underclassmen, generally. one ran into me at lunch today. she apologized and looked kinda scared. i guess that means i'm officially a big girl now. i am senior, here me sigh with jaded discontentment!

and why isnt this year easy? damn! interims come out soon and im fairly sure mine will be shaky. i have an ESSAY next week; i am panicking already. essays scare the hell out of me.

i kept thinking "i feel dead inside" today. but that isn't true. just beaten down inside. way to break my spirit, educational system!

i just want to make things. that's all.

music: belle and sebastian, "you made me forget my dreams"

2004-09-02T21:18:00.000-04:00

AAAAAAAAHHHH

MY FOOT IS IN A BUCKET OF ICE WATER! I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE THE DISCOMFORT I AM IN! IF YOU'VE DONE THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! I AM FLAILING AROUND LIKE AN ABSOLUTE MADWOMAN BECAUSE IT HURTS SO MUCH! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD I CANT WAIT TIL IT GOES NUMB AND MY SUFFERING WILL BE SLIGHTLY ALLEVIATED!

THAT IS ALL!

MUSIC: TOMMY

PS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH

2004-08-30T22:10:00.000-04:00

ULTIMATE!

frisbee anyone?

7 pm, wednesday

HERE

come play people whom you can easily beat. it will make you feel good. plus... we need a break from school already. let's be honest.

music: soft parade

2004-08-29T08:08:00.000-04:00

YESTERDAY WAS AMAZING

i hate making posts like this. but yesterday was the shit. it was.

xc meet. didn't run. that wasn't good or bad, really.
stuffed envelopes for theatre. sucked a little.
here it picks up.

open my mail--letter from the dublin arts council, telling me that my entry to the emerging show won best in show. i instantly call adam and shannon, thank them for being my models and giggle a lot. $80 and bragging rights.

off to fallout, a mini music fest at billy's church. it had been raining all morning, but it was sunny then so it was hot, humid and muddy. the afternoon was uneventful, some mediocre bands played... but then the rain hit. it rained for hours. but as we are hardXcore, the show went on. we all got soaked and hella muddy... the elms played, and they're pretty sweet. they actually just got dropped by their label, so they are unsigned right now, which is kind of crazy. they had a really fun set... their guitarist, tommy, was excellent and had braces. after that the rain got bad. there was lightning like, everywhere, and it was getting cold. then john reuben went on. i have a newfound respect for that guy... i'd heard some of his stuff before but i was never really impressed. But he put on a GREAT show. he was so high-energy and he was just getting drenched like the rest of us... he played this one song i knew and i rapped along, that impressed people... and then he had some open mic. i coerced billy into going up there, and reuben picked him because they had talked a little bit before his set, just about hip hop and stuff. he went up there and freestyled! it was great!

as billy was part of the event staff, we had some inside access and after the set we got to talk to john. billy had just purchased his cd from the merch booth and he got it signed... i just told john i wanted to shake his hand for putting on a sweet show. so i did.

oh--rewind. me and billy go into the kitchen and kristen is there. then this guy walks in with this sweet tattoo that looked like stained glass... we complimented him on it and he pulled up his tee shirt sleeve and it was actually a half-sleeve of a soldier kneeling and jesus above him, with the ensignia of a military unit on the underside of his arm. he told us it was a tribute to his brother who was killed in Iraq. then we found out he was the drummer from bleach. really cool guy.

bleach's show was really good. it was actually their second to last show ever after about nine years together. that made it fun because they were all just having a really good time. they arent a great band but they definitely put on a good show. at that point some people were just covered in mud. it was wild.

went home after a little bit of cleanup work. took a quick shower to get the mud off of me (i left muddy footprints on the floor. AFTER i had taken off my shoes.) and flopped in bed. it wasn't until today that i had a chance to try on the dress my mom bought me yesterday. it's terrifically cute.

so that was my totally excellent last shebang awesome day of summer.
yeah, i switched tenses midway through this.
shrug.

music: aesop rock

2004-08-27T01:22:00.000-04:00

a shiny ring and how i could forget your name

it is freshly august 27th, as you can tell from the above dateline.

four short days ago, it was august 23rd. august 23rd is a very special anniversary to me.

two years ago, on august 23rd, i found myself in a kitchen. i was helping my youth pastor move that day, so the kitchen was stripped bare. all that was left was the refridgerator, which he was not moving to pennsylvania. i was in the kitchen there with Shannon, the pastor, and a friend to whom i had become very close that summer.

in that kitchen, i had the first of exactly six kisses with the boy with whom i would have an incredibly tumultuous relationship for approximately the next year. it was just on the cheek. however, it launched me into the most significant, serious, bizzarre and painful relationship of my life.

last year on august 23rd, i was still entangled in that relationship. i was at a cross country meet. i remember running and wondering whether that was the day it had been a year. it was. i looked it up when i got home. i document my life fairly well.

jump to this year on monday. on august 23rd, i did not remember the significance of the date. i actually found myself on a bench on an observation deck at a park, discussing with a guy how it had been one month and nine days since the first time we'd gone out.

about an hour later as we were walking through some very dark woods, august 23rd became my new anniversary.

life's funny sometimes.

music: mott the hoople

2004-08-23T00:28:00.000-04:00

out of the office and into the springtime

gosh. what a weekend.

i visited UC on friday. that's university of cincinnati.

its amazing. it has a college called DAAP, which is design, art, architecture and planning, which happens to contain fashion design. i'd really like to go there. the program sounds challenging and exciting... and enveloping. it is a five-year program. it's known for its nocturnal/24-hour students... one of the professors got back from a trip out of the country at 4 am. he decided to go to his office. there he saw two FULL CLASSES in session. at 4 am. the kids just wanted to work. this sounds awesome to me.

another big thing about the program: co-ops. come the middle of my sophmore year, i would be co-opping every other quarter. i would not have summers off, but would instead be moving every three months, usually to new york city, most likely. i would get paid. and i would only be paying for three years of school.

this excites me. but also scares me. it sounds like a lonely life... moving every three months. and after that, i'd most likely have to live in NYC. it basically comes down to this: am i a career woman, or a family woman?

as a seventeen year old girl, this is hard for me to call. as of late, i had dismissed the thought of marriage after the breakup of a relationship i thought had been "the one." i was bitter and disillusioned. i didnt care if i never married. i wanted to make something of myself anyway. however, faced with the reality, it is hard to tell. i went to a wedding this weekend. i want a wedding. every girl does. yet, i want to be a fashion designer. it's incredibly difficult to weigh, especially when things are looking slightly brighter in the decaying pit of darkness that is my heart. (thanks, boys! you sure know how to do a girl right!)

so i guess i just have to keep thinking about it.
i love the school so much. i dont know about the university... i skipped the tour. it was raining.

like i said, i went to a wedding this weekend. this was largely unimportant, except that...

I HAVE A NEW PET!

her name is Marilyn, and she is a beta fish. she is the prettiest... she is sort of a fuschia red. perhaps i'll take a picture later. i love her so, and i sure hope she isn't too stressed about riding two hours in a van. she lives in a comfortable symbiosis with some bamboo. she could be the best pet ever. perhaps i will soon take a picture of her and share with the world.

it has been suggested to me that all beta fish are male. that is why they like to kill each other.
this may be true. regardless, i maintain the name Marilyn (she was named after Miss Monroe) because she is also named after Mr. Manson. and i will continue to call her "her," because her sexual orientation means nothing to me. i love her unconditionally.

i got new jeans today. guess jeans, much like those that met their unfortunate end at aqil's party. these ones are stretchy though. i hate stretchy jeans. but they just happened to be my best options.

i guess that's all.

music: radiohead

2004-08-20T00:21:00.000-04:00

so many years have filled my heart, i never thought i'd say those words

today was surprisingly eventful.

practice sucked.

jeff chemically straightened his hair. this is moderately monumental if you are familiar with his hair. it isnt THAT straight. but it isnt the fro anymore.

my mom, while discussing the wedding we will be attending this weekend:
jeff, wear a tie. and lauren, you can't wear all black to a wedding. it's inappropriate.

dang, ma.

oh yeah... and this.

one of the roar is the sound boys sold it to me! it was madness! i wish i knew which one he was. they all look vaguely similar and i haven't seen them in so long...

music: staring at the sea (thank you, realplayer music sale!)

2004-08-15T00:04:00.000-04:00

judy never felt so good except when she was sleeping

number of days it has been since i have showered properly: four
number of days it has been since i have showered at all: three
number of days it has been since i have brushed my teeth: one
number of hours it took to get back from myrtle beach: 23 and a half
number of hours in the car: 16
number of girls in the car: 10
number of girls who had been drinking red bull: four
number of girls who particularly bothered me: three
number of girls i had to live with for a week: 27
number of pictures of ashlee simpson in the shrine: approximately 12
number of boys i danced with at "the club": one
number of girls in my room: four
number of awesome girls in my room: four
number of girls in my bed: two
number of awesome girls in my bed: two

i listened to a lot of belle and sebastian.
i slept through most of the day and less of the night.
i watched mtv.
i learned the words to rap songs.
i got sand in my bed.
i ran around.

yeah, i had a nice enough time.

music: le pastie de la bourgeosie-belle and sebastian

2004-08-05T23:46:00.000-04:00

so we go inside and we gravely read the stones

like leaves! absolutely!

what was that all about?

music: new york dolls

2004-08-03T00:53:00.000-04:00

explodiplomacy

i wish i didnt drop the frisbee so much.

music: dear catastrophe waitress (andrea--xoxoxo!)

2004-07-28T14:58:00.000-04:00

punk is dead

so i'm a postmodernist. you wanna fight about it?

and, like my views on dinosaurs, i have been disproven in my thinking many times, but to no avail: i cant help but feel i am living in a world that is over. rock and roll was born and so was jesus christ. the second one died, im still not sure about the first. at best it lingers on.

the aforementioned disproving occurred in several art museums in canada. i was most impressed with the combination of sculpture and computer animation that i am too lazy to explain. i wish i had a picture. thousand words, as they say. yet i think my hope is misplaced--i was not seeing things that were new, i was just seeing things that were good art. but i saw no new genre. that's the problem. no new genres. even anti-art is gone. it's all over.

however, i was recently exposed to another reason to feel frustrated: personal postmodernism. i read a book (kurt vonnegut's deadeye dick) that ssuggested that people's lives are stories, and that they play out just like a story: introduction, rising action, climax, falling action, denoument. and whatever's left is epilogue. it just cleans up after the story. nothing happens. it's all over. i guess i already knew that. i guess that's the reason that i want to die before i get old. but what's worse is the thought of peaking too early. what if i've already had my climax? what if the rest of my life is just the postmodern wasteland that i am so afraid is true?

it probably isnt. but you never know.

why do people keep happening to me?

music: love her madly-the doors

2004-07-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

our kind of love was nooo fun

just got back from seeing the notebook. it was pretty good. however, i did not cry, proving definitively i have no soul.

in other news, yes, i am back from canada. yes, it was fun. i shopped a lot and went to some art museums and had a fine time. no, im not leaving again for a while because my camping trip got cancelled. yes, im sorta bummed but it's okay. it leaves me lots of chill time.

went to ikea in toronto, which was really fun, and i stumbled upon something i have wanted since i was in third grade. my nine-year lust was finally satisfied, and i bought myself a mosquito net canopy. it is the coolest thing ever. it makes me feel like a princess. i even put a garland of flowers around the ring that it hangs from so it's pretty. am i babbling like a child about it? yes. yes i am.

fin.

music: pablo picasso

2004-07-14T00:02:00.000-04:00

where are you darling?

i dont normally like to make just "this is what's happening" posts, because lets be honest, we are young and self-centered and we dont care what's going on in each other's lives. we just want something novel or colorful or funny. or maybe i just speak for myself. regardless, i am going to be indulgent (indulgent is one of my favorite words) and just do it.

so. THIS is what's happening.

it just kind of dawned on me that i have one real day here, and then i wont be in ohio for more than one day until august. why? because:

Thursday 15 July- Cedar Point til 1 am.
Friday 16 July through Saturday July 24- Canada with family.
Monday 26 July through Friday 30 July- Camping with church in West Virginia

it isnt that im not excited about all of these things, cause i absolutely am. it's just that that leaves me two days to do the stuff i want to do, like watch movies with people (jason, memento sometime?), make a baby blanket for Martin and Denise's baby, and be a lazy, lazy piece of crap. so tomorrow should be crazy. why? because:

-start/finish baby blanket
-take it to the Kestners.
-drop off shannon's mexico present
-xocoffee with kristen and billyxo
-go to the bank, settle debts and get out CANADA CASH
-pack for canada
-pick out what senior pictures i want
-pool party

i think that's it.
i hope that's it.
please, please let that be it.

and im totally excited about almost everything that's going on in my life, i am. mostly because the things im NOT excited about i'm just not doing (summer reading, running, being responsible). but i'm just slightly overwhelmed.

im making the cutest blanket for baby kestner whose name i can never recall. its pink and paisley and flannel and awww. yes, she is a girl.

i will miss people. i miss seth already, but that is because HE left ME. i will miss my late night im friends, you know your own names. i will miss shannon, who i havent seen in forever. i will miss andrea. i will miss... gosh. everyone?

onto the random stuff that you will blow off.

my appetite has been really a mess since mexico. all kinds of food make me feel sick, im hungry at weird hours, i'm lactose intolerant... oh wait.

i am getting SO SICK of my music. i need new music. but i also need a rocky horror poster. and rollerskates. and more cute underwear. and stuff in canada. welcome to being an obsessive spender, Lauren. how did i get here? i used to be so frugal... i think it started with my birthday this year, or maybe last christmas, when i got lots of gift cards and learned the rush of buying a hella lot of stuff. and now i just cant stop. ever.

i need a haircut. for my next cut i think i am going to get a slanty one. you know. slanty. where its longer in the front and shorter in the back? yeah. and i almost scheduled an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, but i realized i have a coffe appointment. bad luck. i am going to be one shaggy bird by the time i get home from all this.

c'est tout, je pense. merci.

music: fleetwood mac

ps. check out my livejournal and see my babies.

2004-07-09T18:42:00.000-04:00

movies i want to see

cause i like making lists.

spiderman 2
the notebook
king arthur
troy
kb2
girl, interrupted
coffee and ciggarettes
the stepford wives
super size me
the terminal
donnie darko
memento

anchorman is not on this list because i am going to see it with xomaggiexo!

i spent four hours in a grocery store today.

music: 1952 vincent black lightning

2004-07-08T00:27:00.000-04:00

look what i made!

yeah, sorry the picture is blurry. slow slow shutter speed cause the flash was off+the shaky hands that run in my family. but yeah, i made this dress and i wanted to showwww.

and seth is my new favorite. seth, i love you like a brother. thank you so much for everything... have a swell time in florida, and i'll see you when you get back. we'll talk philosophy or boys or something. xo.mimu.

i guess that's all.

amen.

music: disintegration ::drool::

2004-07-05T00:10:00.000-04:00

gringa

hiya. i'm home from mexico! and it was a mighty fine trip. i did things i have never done before, like wash my hair in the rain because my house had no running water. and i learned to speak/understand spanish. and i hung out in the boys house. i miss boys house. i also miss the dancing room. and the couches covered in plastic. and grandma's demon-infested shrine. ok well i dont really miss that. or the drug dealer. but still.

i miss my host mommy and daddy and sisters. and caila and mili. i miss tiffani. and mariano's van. and clay. oh and seth, whom i love like a brother. and cute latino-emo andres. i even miss click-click bang. i miss mo, even though i hate him, and i miss jello.

definitely just went into the kitchen, whimpered "i want jello" and started to cry.

things i missed WHILE in mexico: the smiths, mukul, coheed and cambria, my bed, cheeseburgers, candy, chocolate

things i DID NOT miss while in mexico and was reminded of (all-too) shortly after getting home: being alone, ben, baseball

what the crap.

and i miss cristina.

music: the smiths-the queen is dead

yeah i know this makes no sense to anyone. in the words of dear dr frank, "i didnt make (it) for YOU!"

2004-06-24T00:10:00.000-04:00

could i use some of your lipstick?

because every girl should have a blog post dedicated to how much she loves robert smith.

music: the yardbirds "for your love"; the beatles "if i fell"

2004-06-18T17:56:00.000-04:00

excellently ultimate frisbee
a heart-warming story of a misfit team of kids who love the game, a made for tv movie starring some kids who recently outgrew the nickelodeon scene and can't get work. and then we stole kurt's car and he got so pissed... and we took his ciggarettes too...

look for it. film festival 2005.

yeah, ultimate frisbee today was possibly the most fun i've had all break. i want to play EVERY DAY. EVVVVERY DAY! and i was deeply humbled by the freaking amazing players. all those boys were brilliantly good. however, i think i did modestly well, and that's fine with me. i played hard. and i got a compliment!

"lauren, i admit i thought you were full of crap when you said you were decent, but really you were pretty alright" --mukul (paraphrased)

oh, god bless backhanded compliments. really though, i was glad i was able to prove myself at least a little. true, now i will never get a date with any of those guys (there were lots of them. my chance of ever getting a date again is greatly decreased now) because i was all sweating and running around like a crazy person and playing hard and being competitive and not being a lady. but still, it was an amazingly good time. again: i would do it every day. and probably be in much better shape for it.

also, had senior pictures this morning. which was cool for like, ten minutes and then it just got uncomfortable and annoying for the next two hours. oh well. done with. hopefully i will have a few good ones. the highlight of the morning is when i convinced the photographer to do a picture on the leopard-print settee... that was hilarious. im even striking a vaguely sexy pose with my very very vaguely sexy body.

self-confidence, where are you?

music: franz ferdinand... damn the randomizer.

2004-06-13T02:06:00.000-04:00

mukul

thank you. although i don't understand exactly why you said that.

it's hard to take compliments.

music: the doors

2004-06-13T00:47:00.000-04:00

super perfundo on the early eve of your day

everyone should watch the movie "waking life" at least twice. it's totally awesome and has made me think about a lot of stuff. and because it is about dreams, it brought me a dream last night! unfortunately, the dream wasn't lucid (meaning i didn't know i was dreaming and therefore couldn't control anything). but it was good.

i was at a school of magic. there was lots of stupid crap, like cats that could talk and shapeshift, but the best part was this forest. right in front of the school was a forest that kind of ran downhill. it was incredibly beautiful. the light was bright and clean, but soft and kind of gauzy. the leaves on the trees were a pale green. it was gorgeous. and everywhere there were sculptures and statues. i dont remember exactly what they were like. i remember two that had parts that were just suspended in midair. one was i think a little girl, or some human figure, holding out her hands. there was a small stone ball hanging above them, perfectly still but supported by nothing.

and there was a boy. i seem to think he looked a lot like that guy who was in freaky friday and is going to be in that hillary duff movie, which is kind of lame, but i dont think it was totally him. he was a beautiful person. we just walked around the woods for days and we talked and he told me things and showed me things. lots of things about magic. he was very good at telekinesis. he moved the free part on one of the sculptures. he told me to try, but i couldn't do it. it was incredible, i think we spent a week there. finally it was time to go. i remember other people, possibly my parents, telling me it was time to go, and we walked through the forest again. i was desperate to see this boy again, because i didn't ever want to lose him. being with him was amazing, i'm not sure entirely why. it was just a feeling of peace and love or something. i looked over and i saw the statue with the little girl, and i just stared at it and moved the stone. it was awesome. i wanted to show him i could do it. i also wanted to kiss him.

i don't think i got the chance. i remember driving away in my van with my parents and telling them that church camp this year was different, and that i didn't learn much about god, and instead just spent time in the forest. then i kind of looked back upon it as a dream, and brushed it off... mentioning that that guy from freaky friday was there. when we got home, they dropped me off at school for some reason. and the guy was there... except he didn't look the same. now he was someone i know in real life, from school. i wont mention names to avoid weirding out the other person and embarassing myself. but i called out his name, and he didn't hear me, and then i yelled "star wars" for some reason, and it got his attention but he was really embarassed. i didn't get to kiss him, which is probably good, considering he was a real person now.

it was a good dream. i want to go back to that forest.

music: supertramp

2004-06-12T04:40:00.000-04:00

ta da

so the greys got old. this is the new template. its still kind of a work in progress. clearly. especially the colored text. i wanted to bring the shoe's color in, but im not sure if i dig the colored text, especially the colors i chose. any suggestions or critique would be appreciated. considering it's quarter to five, im going to go to bed now.

music: the cure
movies: waking life, footloose

2004-06-10T19:48:00.000-04:00

stubborn and hard-hearted. strong willed and

i should spend more time writing. or painting. or sewing. or drawing or learning to speak italian or crying or something.

i need staring at the sea by the cure.

i should write a story about how my heart got broke and why i am the way i am. i should write a story about how i got away from you forever. i should write a story about how i lived alone in the city for a year and a half before i came home and was very quiet. people said "what happened to her there" and i should write that story and publish it under a psilly pseudonym and nobody would ever know.

i should stop talking.

i should take pictures of you in an attempt to steal your soul. i should get them developed and draw on them everything about you i can't make go away.

music: modest mouse, float on

2004-06-08T09:48:00.000-04:00

MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly
motivated. Sharp
thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves
attention. Deep
feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm
Standpoint. Needs no
motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left
brain). Loves to dream. Strong
clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in
the ear and neck. Good
imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves
literature and the arts.
Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless.
Not having many children.
Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift

What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

mostly true. except the "beautiful" part.

summer is wonderful.

music: changes, david bowie

2004-06-01T20:58:00.000-04:00

talk talk

i miss andrea. andrea, lets us have a nice party where we dance around to the david bowie setlist or watch labyrinth or the best of bowie videos (did you buy them?)or all three. we can even have a sleepover and wear cute pajamas or something. love you!

almost finished with lolita. can't wait for humbert to cap the guy.

already excited to shop queen street w. want some rollerskates.

having urgent cravings to watch movies. thus, watched rocky horror picture show for the first time ever today. ohsocampy. loved it.

"what have you done with brad!??!"
"nothing. do you think i should?"

i think that's about all. exams almost gone. school almost gone. bonjour, ete!

music: the killers- somebody told me

2004-05-28T13:46:00.000-04:00

put on your red shoes and dance the blues

so shannon and i were totally in the mood for dancing and wanted to have a danse party after school today. but we didnt cause we couldn't think of anyone to invite... poor rain-or-shine outdoor danse party 2004 never got a chance. but perhaps a reschedule? by a show of comments, would you or would you not come to a danse party if we threw one?

i mean it. comment. tell me.

music: bowie setlist (note: don't worry, i wouldnt be in charge of music)

2004-05-26T23:19:00.000-04:00

my new favorite song

Cactus
by David Bowie

Sitting here
Wishing on a cement floor
Just wishing that
I had just something you wore
I put it on when I go lonely
Will you take off your dress
And send it to me?

I miss your kissin’
And I miss your head
And a letter in your writing
Doesn’t mean you’re not dead
Just run outside in the desert heat
Make your dress all wet
And send it to me

I miss your soup and I miss your bread
And a letter in your writing
Doesn’t mean you’re not dead
So spill your breakfast
And drip your wine
Just wear that dress when you dine

So, sitting here wishing
On a cement floor
Just wishing that I had just something you wore
Bloody your hands on a cactus tree
Wipe’em on your dress
And send it to me
Sitting here wishing on a cement floor
Just wishing that I had just something you wore

(end)

yeah, so the concert was amazing. so amazing that i dont even want to talk about it. (im just that way.) it was sooo great though. and only one more day of school and then exams, so i am less despondent.

wore the ultimate dress of rock to the dubbies tonight, and that was fun.

my brain is sort of dead.

music: the setlist from the concert

2004-05-22T04:01:00.000-04:00

THE ULTIMATE DRESS OF ROCK (tm)

so im making the ultimate dress of rock. here's the tale of my evening:

mall with andrea in search of stuff to wear to the david bowie concert along with the teeshirts i screenprinted (they turned out beautifully, i could hardly contain myself). i just ended up getting sunglasses (sooo cute. fossil. rhinestones.) and a free sweater because andrea's cutie indie pants were buy one sale item get another free. but yeah. so then we stopped by starbucks and got some iced coffees... which they made us mix ourselves. it was the strangest ever. we forgot to get decaf. and then we went chez andrea to watch the best of bowie dvd. so then i got home around midnight, and found myself super-untired. remember, i didnt get decaf at starbucks. so i decided to work on a dress for the dubbies.

i cant decide whether i want to tell all about my creation or save it to be a surprise at the dubbies. but i will say: birthday cake dress, say hello to my sewing machine and CORSET TIES.

mmm corset ties.

music: david. bowie.

2004-05-19T22:46:00.000-04:00

didnt didnt

you know my name.

lets be friends.

lets me stop being shy and you... i dont know.

so, what do you say?

music: waltz #2, elliot smith

::inferiority complex strikes::

just kidding.

your coolness>mine

2004-05-13T23:36:00.000-04:00

dear angelfire,

you suck so hard.

music: tommy

2004-05-10T23:24:00.000-04:00

so easily outgrown

i think the saddest song to me is Life Like Weeds by Modest Mouse. im not too sure why.

music: coheed and cambria

2004-05-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

time...its trick is you and me

so tired. i should be sleeping, but i need to write. ive been needing to write for days... i wanted to write on my birthday. i wrote on my birthday last year, i wanted to do it again. but i was just too tired. now i am probably more tired, but i cant just keep going around thinking like im writing. i arrange my thoughts into paragraphs and plan writings that i just cant write. im too busy and too tired.

im seventeen now. i guess that was yesterday that that happened. it wasn't a very good day. of course, it did have good parts. but generally, the brokenspiritedness that has been upon me recently made it sad. maybe i am being selfish and ungrateful for people trying to make my day special, but its hard to realize that birthdays dont mean super much... or at the very least, arent magic. however, i do think it is unfair that i have cried on two out of my past three birthdays. thats unfair. this time it was just the tiredness plus perhaps hormone troubles plus my dad being sorta mean to me/stressing me out plus feeling like my birthday was unspecial. you know, it was only unspecial because it was such a long day filled with work. i didnt have any "me time." so i guess im taking it now.

i kind of feel like crying again.

im so tired. why am i so tired? i mean, the obvious answer is not enough sleep and too much work, but why can't my body take it!? im sure the majority of the population is working a lot harder than i am, and they arent having breakdowns or dropping dead. me, however... i teeter on the edge of insanity. it isnt fair... i am so feeble. i should be able to handle this. why cant i? i hate feeling weak. i hate not having control.

i just dont understand. anything. i dont understand how long it has been since my sixteenth birthday. all i know is that im still listening to the cds i got for that birthday, but nearly everything else has changed. i dont understand. i was in love on my sixteenth birthday. okay, that's a lie... i wasnt in love. but i was damn close. now i am just looking for someone to maybe kiss around with or something. and of course having no luck. ive felt nasty about that sort of thing lately. rob said it best... spring causes loneliness. i think perhaps i am looking out of my league. i think perhaps i am growing less attractive as i age, which is horribly unjust for i am only seventeen. (seventeen feels old and young at the same time.) that diet thing is long dead... it wasnt working and the lack of sugar plus lack of results was making me depressed. shrug.

the big good news is that IM TOTALLY GOING TO THE BOWIE CONCERT!!! my aunt is the gr-eatest.... got me tickets on ebay for my birthday. somehow i cant get excited about it though... at least not as excited as i should be. im probably just too tired. it just cant sink in. my brain cant take it.

need to go shower. shame i am too tired to wake up early enough to use my straightener.

gosh.

music: time, david bowie

why do i feel so sad?
must be the post-birthdaydepression depression.

2004-04-30T15:11:00.000-04:00

brawrr

this weekend is going to be kind of a fat sucking whore of a weekend. i have so much stuff to do, and only about a fourth of it is any fun.

at least i had a kissing dream last night. that was good. of course, it was kinda strange and funny to see the person today. heehee.

muSUCK: stacy's mom.
thanks shan. you whore.

2004-04-28T18:02:00.000-04:00

i leave you with photographs//pictures of trickery

last night my entire family was off watching tv. so i just sat against the wall on my bed, wearing my white dress that i've been sleeping in, and stared into the blackness as i listened to disintegration by the cure, played really loud. i just stared and stared... i eventually got to the point where i nearly stopped blinking. my mind just kind of wandered. i started out thinking, thinking about the things that are always on my mind, but as the music just went on and my eyes stopped focusing the words stopped and i thought in pictures. very gothic things, what do you want with disintegration... eyes and birds, things swirling around, trees and skies and silhouetted people... it was wonderful. i just spaced out for an entire half hour. later my dad came in and turned on the light and i was totally blinded... but while it lasted it was great. i guess this is why ive felt disconnected recently... im just keeping to myself in a lot of ways. i like being alone, really... not all the time, but much of it.

about my last post... sorry you had to see that. it was ugly, and it made no sense to everyone except me, the person it was directed at, and maybe someone else... or something... but yeah. it was ugly. i was just so angry, i couldnt help it. sometimes the anger wins. maybe it was in bad taste... i just get tired of holding it in all the time. its going to be a messed-up summer. hopefully i can manage to have a good one anyway. and find a job.

music: kill hannah

ps. a cute boy wore a the smiths shirt today and it made me happy.

2004-04-22T20:28:00.000-04:00

ive about had it.

you are definitely the biggest jerk in the world to say something like that, to do that to my best friend. you can't just do that to people. maybe it was a self-protection thing so you dont go crazy, but one of the things i used to admire about you was how you put others' well-being before yours. maybe i was kidding myself about that. disown me, fine. we are through, that is clear. but i cannot believe you would disown a friend and a little sister. i can't even respect you anymore.

music: the clash, magnificent seven

2004-04-17T02:17:00.000-04:00

staples

somebody somewhere has a stapler
and she's stapling all of us together
and we just cant seem to rip ourselves apart.

somebody ought to stop this.

music: elton john- this song has no title

2004-04-15T19:27:00.000-04:00

::cry::

i still cant go to david bowie (im not mad at you andrea, i swearrrr!)
i dont have rojo's email so i cant email him like he asked me
the sun is starting to set
and i just downloaded a virus which my computer is unable to eradicate. why does everyone else not get horrible viruses when they download everything and its dog from kazaa and i download a whole like, seven things EVER and get viruses?!?!?
i am nearly in tears. i dont know what to do. ok yes i do... go through a crapload of painful steps to try and delete it and probably not have any luck. AWESOME.

i feel alone.

music: elton john-funeral for a friend

2004-04-14T20:56:00.000-04:00

low

i am depressed beyond speech. so i must type.

the david bowie concert is, for all effects and purposes, sold out.

we could have been heroes forever and ever!
but who'll love aladdin sane now?
i could even afford a ticket... back from sufragette city...
we could have spent the night (evening, rather) together. i needed david bowie more than ever.
i am SO a victim. i just scream with... anguish....
id do anything to go... if you say run, id run with you. and if you say hide, we'll hide. because my love for david bowie would break my heart in two...
ground control to major lauren, your circuit's dead, theres something wrong

this calls for rock and roll suicide.

music: elliot smith (tricked you.)

2004-04-13T20:58:00.000-04:00

Welcome to strrynight.blogspot.com

not to be confused with strrynight.blogpsot.com: Aaron's Bible.

weird.

music: sally simpson

2004-04-12T21:32:00.000-04:00

OPERATION: I NEED A CODENAME!

so yes. im conducting an operation. why? because it was about time. please do not try to argue with me or say nice things, but i am getting fat! REALLY! I AM! especially after the EASTER BINGE!(two huge meals, an unbelievable amount of candy and other junk food). but yeah...my self-confidence is low because of it, and i need to take action. again: dont argue with me. i am not gonna get all bulimic or anorexic or atkinsic. i am just going to try and have some self-control and make an effort to: 1) eat healthier and 2)exercise more often (at all). i know this is boring as hell to read about but recording it will help strengthen my resolve... right? so what im gonna do is...

1) eat less crap. i am a complete sugar junkie and i think thats a lot of my problem. im officially DRAMATICALLY reducing my candy/other sugary treats intake. DRAMATICALLY. as in my-easter-candy-will-get-stale-before-i-can-finish-it dramatically. it hurts me on the inside to do this, but i have to.

2) eat less. i eat when i am bored and this causes me to eat way more than i need to. added to this the fact that what i eat is always bad, this is an issue. so it will stop. the secret to this, ive learned, is to keep busy. and take naps.

3)exercise four times a week at least. i just pulled that number out of my butt. but yeah, i went running today and it was a good thing to do. i really havent been moving at all in the past few months, so i need to do that. exercise is good for you! in so many ways! yay!

and i suppose thats it. who knows, maybe this will actually work and i will get skinnier... maybe my tummy will start to go away! maybe i will be teh hotness! maybe not. i fear i lack the resolve and that i am not taking desperate enough measures. maybe i will add skim milk to my plan (cause it will make SO much difference...). man i would love for this to work. it would be great to be all skinny and cute. cause honestly, i feel soooo ugly recently. like, its getting bad... but hopefully this will make me feel better about myself, if nothing else. being healthier is supposed to make you feel better, right?

the first day of this plan went well. too well, i think... i forgot to eat breakfast, so i grabbed an oatmeal bar, which i neglected to eat. and then at lunch i was doing math so i never got around to eating. meaning i had only one meal today... which was rather small... and a bowl of cereal. i think tomorrow i will be hungry. that will be tricky. i am going to have to start packing lunch again... i need to go to the grocery store or trader joes and get fun healthy food... whole wheat bread... im in the mood for starfruit for some reason. and i need smoothiemaking stuff too...

this could get complicated.

so does anyone want to give my operation a name?

music: tommy!!! my uncle who is AWESOME bought me the who album just because. its soooo freaking sweet. i like it better than the play version because its less happy... really. and its brilliant. reading all about the who in the seventies made me super jealous i wasnt there. apparently their tommy concerts were mindblowing. and roger daltrey was supposedly a total sex god as tommy (in concert, not the movie)... why?!!? WHY AM I IN THIS GENERATION?!??!

2004-04-10T02:04:00.000-04:00

a picture's worth $40, matted and framed

i could talk about my day, or how i feel. but i think i can sum it up with this. i ask you to please consider it seriously. maybe you will see it like i saw it. perhaps you will then understand.

music: the cure

i need more the cure albums.

2004-04-07T21:03:00.000-04:00

reason to die #1212343424

my new retainer makes me talk like homestar runner with a lisp. rock.

oh well.

music: bengate

2004-04-07T19:47:00.000-04:00

itching to be stitching

haha, just kidding. gotcha! im really just itching to be sitting on my ever-expanding butt doing NOTHING. not getting that sewing crap done.

i had a happy time of being home alone for a while today, so i made some french toast. it was underdone. but the outside kept getting burnt! i didnt know what to do! i couldnt help it! from now on i will only make french toast on the griddle, never again in the frying pan of doom/salmonella. i hope i dont get sick...

highlight of tech: putting lights into the skyline (chili cheese fries?)
lowlight of tech: bleeding on the inside because my fingers got crushed under the pit cover.

maybe i will have a neat scar.
i love scars. luciana in catch-22 has a scar that runs all the way down her back. i want one. sounds sexy. but then i think about it more and im like, sounds kind of disfiguring. i always just picture myself at a school dance or something with a huge scar visible above my dress... and it sounds like it sucks. i still like scars, though. i like the one on my knee cause people are always afraid to ask about it. i remember the night after i got the initial injury i cried for hours because i was going to have an ugly scar, but now i am rather fond of it. it is like an old friend. i have lots of scars on my hands. i wish i still had scars from arrow cuts from gym class archery... i liked those ones. i have lots of scars from tech-related injuries. i have a really thin scar on my left arm that i really like. and a chicken pox scar on my right wrist. i have another really thin one across my left leg, and several nasty patchy ones on my left knee. i dont mind them though.

im not as horribly disfigured as i sound, i swear... you'd have to look pretty hard to find most of these...

so yeah. scars.

time to vomit raw egg... later.

music: techno

2004-04-05T23:00:00.000-04:00

i thought i knew you//what did i know?

you were above me
but not today
the only difference is you're down there
im looking through you
and you're nowhere
-the beatlesxoxoxo

lauren, what should you be doing right now?
uh... sewing?
yes.
aw shoot.

yeah, i should be sewing... i promised myself i would do a lot of sewing this week to fix up some of my vintage stuff... but actually what i have to sew tonight is my dickies skirt... it was too small so i cut off the waistband and now i have to dart it in so i can wear it with my XMATH TEAMX shirt tomorrow... even though i dont think i can GO to math team because i am so behind in photo and tomorrow is my only day to make it up... boohoo... im sorry math team, i didnt mean to let you down...

yeah, the skirt vigil is still on, even though i DID wear pants friday... and saturday... and to scene shop... but still. skirts are the wave of the future. accept it. love it.

well... im out.

ps. andrea, welcome back. and thanks for finding my pencil case.

music: a cycle of maps by the yeah yeah yeahs and im looking through you by the wallflowers for a solid hour, and i dont know why.

2004-04-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

i have a paper in my pocket

telling me that the new modest mouse album comes out in three days.

and i really dont have the money to buy it, unless i want to drain my financial resources for the month.

my life is so horrible.

and my hands are achy...?

music: total control by the clash is stuck in my head.

2004-04-03T01:12:00.000-05:00

o _(fill in the blank with noun of your choice)_, where art thou?

watched it tonight. forgot most of the odyssey, so i didnt know what was going on. it sucked hardcore. it was still good though.

dialogue between me and my mom:
"this commercial makes me want to shoot myself in the face."
"in the face?"
"yeah. where else would i shoot myself?"
"in the head?"
"eh. face is better."
"seems like shooting yourself in the face would make a mess."

it was all ironical and stuff... which makes it great cause my mom was just barely satirizing herself... to me anyway. she has this thing about messes. i like it when my mom and i can just have funny conversations and stuff. she's so quiet. im my dad's daughter. mostly.

spent a lot of time with dad today visiting kent state.

1-kent state: cool school. rather impressive fashion program. if im doing fashion, im going there. i wasnt super overwhelmed by the size either, which was cool cause i was really apprehensive about it. and i made a new friend. her name is kristin and she's half-asian and she goes to olentangy. she was a cool kid. it would be neat to go to kent together and be roommates whee.

2-spending time with my dad: that was cool. we talked about a lot of stuff, which was cool, but kind of not cool at times too. i think he's half-forcing me to see the passion tomorrow. i think i may go along with it. not sure. im terrified. i told him i'd only go if we didnt sit together and he didnt try to talk to me about it... sure its bratty, but i despise crying in front of people, especially family, and that's the only way i think its going to work out. argh.

my face hurts. seriously. and im wearing a lot of makeup. cheers, mum. ::blows face off::

music: ben folds five, cigarette

2004-04-01T20:35:00.000-05:00

and if a double decker bus kills the both of us

sometimes when i get all introspective, i feel like i am going to explode. just a little explosion... i am not a very big person.

anyway.

skirts. i've been wearing skirts all week... and i don't intend to stop. why skirts? why all week? why not stopping? cause skirts are pretty. ive been into pretty recently, so i decided to wear a skirt on saturday. and it felt so good, i wondered why i didnt wear them more often... and decided to continue. they make me feel good. people notice them and like them. plus i recently came into a small fortune:

my great great aunt kathryn passed away a few years ago. she was survived by her husband, john. my grandparents recently decided to move my great great uncle john into a nursing home... he is very old. so my grandma and grandpa have been cleaning out their house, and my grandma came upon a bunch of REALLY old clothes, and she gave them to me! i was ecstatic... it was like my own personal captain betty's. turns out most of the clothes were from around the 20s... weirdly enough, much of it is underwear. not like, underwear underwear. slips. and a few girdles... those are weird. but yeah. slips and dresses. and they are gorgeous, even though some of them are kind of discolored or shredded up a little. they are so old and neat and i love them all.

wearing skirts and making cute outfits has made me realize that fashion... creative fashion... is one of my few true passions in life. so it's my major of the moment (tm). it makes it weird, cause there are really only 3 schools in ohio that have it: kent state, uc and ccad. most of the fashion design schools are in new york. i cant decide whether or not i want to go to new york. in the meantime, i am skipping school tomorrow to go to kent state. they have a fashion museum--yum.

the future should plan ME.

music: sad things.

*** *** ** *********... **'* * ***** * ***'* **** ***.

2004-03-31T18:20:00.000-05:00

ring ring

s'right, new header picture thing. isn't that exciting? i made it myself, too--drew it, scanned it, traced it, tiled it, uploaded it... all of it. boy am i just barely competent.

good freaking news: my conservatory pictures came out! im just dumb and thought my aperture didnt work even though it did! yay!

and besides that... everything is fairly lame. school is lame. getting retainers is lame. not burning a cd for andrea is lame. tech isnt really THAT lame, but its not that much fun yet. it doesnt get really fun until it eats my life. but tommy in general isnt lame. i almost wish i was acting (please dont kill me!).

where?

tomorrow is april fools day. hopefully, that will be interesting.

music: elton john, "goodbye yellow brick road" (the album)

2004-03-30T17:40:00.000-05:00

for daria

damn you, cheesesteak... why you gotta play me like that?

music: ben folds five, battle of who could care less

2004-03-27T20:30:00.000-05:00

time to damn something else.

in the past i have damned many things... grey&rainy days... and other things too, i just cant find/remember any of them. but this time i'm serious.

damn you, this evening and how much you are going to be a bucket of suck.

i have to read grapes of wrath...
-which wouldnt be so bad if it weren't saturday night.
-which wouldnt be so bad but it's the last real night of my spring break which wasnt that awesome.
-which wouldnt be so bad if i didnt have the opportunity to be chilling at sean's but i cant cause i cant drive.
-which wouldnt be so bad if i wasnt out to spite my dad for harassing me nonstop about staying home to read this book
-which wouldnt be so bad if my spring break hadnt mostly consisted of college visits and i just want to have fun with friends
-which wouldnt be so bad if this book was more enthralling
-which wouldnt be so bad if it didnt just remind me of going back to school

im all unhappy now.

at least i had an awesome time last night with shannon and cynthia, and an awesome time during the day with alle.
so maybe my break didnt blow THAT much... but it could have been better.

i never burned that cd for andrea.
damn.

music: ben folds five... so good...

damn.

2004-03-26T01:10:00.000-05:00

portrait

today i went to ohio wesleyan.

you know the last time i did this, (and by this i do not mean going to ohio wesleyan) i got in trouble and got all apologetic. but im not sorry now, and i wont be sorry for this one either. because i am a people watcher. that said:

i met a person. he was a boy. he shook my hand--he had very soft hands for being a sculptor (he was a sculptor). i just kept thinking about that the whole time i was with him. that he had soft hands for being a sculptor. his nails were painted black. and he spent an entire hour showing me around the art department for no real reason. just because me and my mom looked lost. i have his email and phone number in my pocket right now... just in case i have any questions or anything about the school (its not like i asked for his digits. dont be stupid-like). he had a soft voice, too. he was a soft person. i dont think i will ever email him... i dont really have a reason to. and i somehow feel it is best to just keep him as that vignette in my life, that hour. it just seems appropriate. his name was matthew.

people are art.

ps. im not in love with him or anything. i just met him and he was nice. that's it. dont be stupid-like.

music: the cure, wish

2004-03-25T02:56:00.000-05:00

sorry it's been a while

ive been writing, but nothing worth taking up internet space. i'll spare you. soon, i will have something meaningful, or at least entertaining. promise.

music: ben folds five, smoke

2004-03-22T01:22:00.000-05:00

the world must hate me.

i cant sleep.
im short.
this computer setup is painful.
the computer is making a tapping sound like a really bad techno beat.
i have a nasty cough. im afraid its going to turn into that pseudo-asthma i had in 7th grade. that really sucked. i had to sleep sitting up for several months.
i almost won at minesweeper today, but then DIDNT.
i have to be up at 8 tomorrow.

WHY?!?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??!?!

really though, im not that upset. in cincinnati. drove all the way here today. yes, me, drove. cause i kick butt. chilled with family. played pool with my six-year-old cousin and whipped his annoying six-year-old butt (okay, so we didnt actually keep track. we just shot around. but i schooled him.) watched some monty python's flying circus and spellbound, which was vaguely entertaining. it reminded me that i really want to see waiting for guffman again. tomorrow im going out to breakfast with my aunt and mom, then a college visit to nothern kentucky university. (whee.)

oh spring break. you are so fine. but why am i not doing anything sweet?

oh well. im over it.

music: nothing.

2004-03-20T16:22:00.000-05:00

i need some baby powder.

and i dont have a crush on vinika's little brother... where did THAT get started?!?!

music: elton john and kiki dee- don't go breaking my heart

2004-03-20T16:19:00.000-05:00

i feel sideways...

damn you, rain and grey. you make me feel empty and depressed. you, and the fact that i just went to the conservatory with sam and took lots of great pictures and it was awesome except im 83% certain that none of the pictures are going to turn out because something on my camera was wrong.

there is nothing sadder than a grey, rainy day.

omg fest last night was sweet though. i didnt end up being overly late, and that was rock. all the bands played really well, in general. i have to talk to my two favorite bands, the nothing new--way to end the unlucky streak. be proud of yourselves, because you guys were sweet. SWEET. best show ever, perhaps? and Lo-Fi? Dude. You guys rocked so hard. You KNOW everyone's obsessed with end of the day (is that what it's called?), plus star slight was amazing. i had fun moshing and rocking out. all other bands--also rocking. efc was fun fun times as usual, rsk tod was pretty sweet, the fraction of party patrol was sweet, and i didnt really see much of any of the other bands but you guys were good too. after lo-fi's set, nick roped me, shan and cynthia into playing roadies, and we ended up going to steak and shake with him and gabe. it was fun, we were there for a long time i guess... me and shannon ate all the sugar packets. after that nick took me and shan back to her house where i spent the night... we were gonna watch amelie but we both just crashed. i definitely slept in my clothes and so by morning i felt utterly disgusting. but i got cleaned up. then conservatory, like i said.

conservatory was indeed sweet, but i am sad about my film. oh well. its spring break, right?

it doesnt feel like spring break.
it just feels like rain.

soooo melancholy...

who wants to do something tonight?

music: anything that doesnt make me more sad

2004-03-19T16:59:00.000-05:00

mixed feelings mania, baybee

--Que fais-tu la?
--Je bois.
--Pourquoi bois-tu?
--Pour oublier.
--Pour oublier quoi?
--Pour oublier que j'ai honte.
--Honte de quoi?
--Honte de boire!
Et le petit prince s'en fut, perplexe.

-greatly abridged from chapter 12 of Le Petit Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

just had to share that. dont speak french? i dont care. it was for my own benefit. and i can read it.

so im really excited about the show tonight. but i am going to be late. which i dont want to do. i want to be on time. but i can't because jeff has baseball til 6 and i probably have to have a decent family dinner because its his birthday. but... im sad on the inside.

back to you, happy external self!

so about how tommy is going to be freaking sweet. SWEET. i cant even remember half the amazing crap we are going to do. but i am co-head grip with sid, so that should be cool... except sid was supposedly head grip for last show and did NOTHING... that was annoying, but maybe this time will go smoother. another bad thing: all my grip minions are either annoying or new. im really hoping the ones who are new aren't annoying in addition... but im still excited for the show. it should be really neat. and you WILL come, and you WILL pee your pants.

i totally need to get a job this summer. like, for real. so im thinking i'll probably want to work at this new marble slab creamery going in at tuttle. i mean, yes, i will be utterly nauseated by the proliferation of dairy, but i imagine you get disgusted with anything after working with it for a while, so i might as well not ruin something i like. or maybe red lobster? daria commented in sean's lj saying her mum needs buspeople at red lobster, so im also considering that just a little bit. just a little, though. cause marble slab would be good because it's owned by the father of my friend nick (just met him, cutieface freshman--adorable!) with whom i go to church, and as thus, his father might give me a schedule that would accomodate for my mission trip. who knows, maybe daria's mom would too. but still.

music: ok, for the music thing im just going to trendwhore it and do that "list the first 50 things that come up in your randomized mp3 player no cheating" thing... and the trend has already passed by, too. oh well. here goes.

1. David Bowie: Fame
2. Rock and Roll Worship Circus: We Sing Glory
3. Local H: Bound for the Floor (Big Room)
4. Flaming Lips: Do You Realize? (Big Room)
5. Blue Oyster Cult: (Don't Fear) The Reaper
6. David Bowie: Starman
7. Miles Davis: 'Round Midnight
8. Fleetwood Mac: Don't Stop
9. David Bowie: Let's Spend the Night Together
10. The Benjamin Gate: Scream
11. Paul Westerburg: Nowhere Man
12. Delirious?: Heaven
13. Remember Maine: The Hunt Club
14. Moby: In This World (T & F vs Moltosugo Cluib Mix)
15. The Beatles: Within You, Without You
16. Jars of Clay: Sunny Days
17. Fused: Terror (Original Mix)
18. Peace Orchestra: Domination
19. Secret Stars: Secret Stars-Your Life to Live
20. Kill Hannah: All That He Wants (American Jet Set)
21. Toto: Africa
22. David Bowie: Fall Dog Bombs the Moon
23. Various Artists: Frankenstein
24. Tosca: Busenfreud
25. Elton John: Honky Cat
26. Original Cast of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat: Potiphar
27. Kajagoogoo: Too Shy
28. Original Cast of Smokey Joe's Cafe: I'm a Woman
29. Mario Frangoulis: Vincero Perdero
30. The Cure: Push
31. Secret Stars: Secret Stars- Your Life to Live
32. Oscar Peterson: Night Train
33. David Bowie: Lady Grinning Soul
34. Elliot Smith: Between the Bars (Orchestral)
35. The Crystal Method: Blast
36. The Smiths: Golden Lights
37. David Bowie: Young Americans
38. David Bowie: Changes
39. Original Cast of Songs for a New World: On
40. The Clash: Train in Vain
41. Every Little Thing: Jump
42. Original Cast of "Smokey Joe's Cafe": Trouble
43. The Benjamin Gate: Lay it Down
44. The Clash: Rock the Casbah
45. Belle & Sebastian: Sleep the Clock Around
46. Original Cast of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat: Song of the King (Seven Fat Cows)
47. Kill Hannah: Race the Dream
48. Meu: Rashiku Ikimasho
49. The Talking Heads: Psycho Killer
50. The Postal Service: This Place is a Prison

there's a perfectly logical explanation for some of those. the rest is just that my taste sucks. some of it even makes ME hate me. geeze.