the boring leading the bored
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
untitled"i just need to be heard."
whenever i start to write something on here, i almost always am tempted to make that my title. i really only write when i need to be heard. and i wonder... why do i need to be heard?
if i really want to be heard, why am i afraid to speak truthfully and clearly?
self-protection, i guess. you never want to incriminate yourself, and it's polite not to incriminate those around you. and everyone is watching. and everyone is talking. am i paranoid? yes. but i'm also right. it's for this reason that i think the "friends-only" function of livejournal is stupid. who are you hiding from, making your posts friends-only? only those who aren't reading your livejournal anyway. the ones you need to be careful about are the ones who are your friends. your friends-only, only friends. because they are watching, and they are talking.
this wasnt supposed to start out so cynical. i dont feel that cynical. i've accepted the fact that this is what goes on. people are just curious. sometimes it's even because they care. you just have to be careful, i guess. figure out who you can trust--strangely, ive found those people are not the ones i would think they would be.
so i worry. i worry about everything. but i worry about writing. every word i put onto my monitor is full of doubt and worry--this is terrible. people are reading this, what are they thinking? are they judging me? are they realizing what bullshit this is? is it bullshit? of course. everything i write is trite bullshit. i have no choice. i'm a postmodernist. a pessimist. and a really terrible writer.
i'm not a pessimist, really. i think. i vascillate. i think.
who was it, that said "know thyself"?
i dont care, honestly. im not even that desperate about knowing myself. i used to know a guy who was bloody insistent that it was important to understand one's identity. he was wrong. he overanalyzed it, as he did most things. he was miserable. i bet he still is.
i guess maybe i think about my self a lot. maybe i even think about myself a lot. probably. but i dont worry about it. i just wonder. i consider. i plan, maybe just a little. and i remember.
i'm freezing up. i am afraid. and i really dont think anyone cares. dont bother to refute, it doesnt bother me. im paranoid enough to not believe you anyway.
i'm not as upset as i sound. i love life. really.
music: disintegration
it's just...
it never ends.
and everyone is so sick.
Live wires:
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